It's been 6 years since my last relationship, which scarred me a bit, and I took a lot of time off to try and work through some fairly toxic beliefs on relationships and gender dynamics. After being political about this for a bit, I have circled back to thinking this is intellectualising a basic fear of rejection and abandonment.
I'm in treatment for an anxiety disorder right now and because there isn't much I can do to push myself over lockdown, I'm not getting much chance for exposure therapy 'IRL'. I have to make them up and I have already done Zoom/Whatsapp/Messenger video calls with friends a million times. I have not actually ever tried online dating, although I had some limited success with matches and conversation on Tinder years ago (2015/6). Dating in person is not an option right now as the UK has literally banned sex with someone outside of your home to fight coronavirus, lol. I understand why the government think this has to be done, although I think the wording of the rule is a bit ridiculous and frankly intrusive. Nonetheless it's obviously frustrating when trying to meet people, but we're all in the same boat in that regards.
There are a lot of material factors going against me (I'm unemployed-studying/retraining at home; I'm on the autism spectrum, I have a mental health issue although I'm pretty self aware about that, I have a lazy eye, I'm balding, and of course I have very little experience) so I have little hope. But I also have been told by friends (men and women) I have a lot to offer in terms of personality which I don't see. Also, for some reason some gay guy friends find me hot and constantly try and flirt with me; girls/women, not so much lol.
Two things hold me back. One is that with all the other stuff to deal with, I am afraid I need yet another year to 'work on myself'. However, it's possible that having 'worked on myself' for half a decade for the most part, this is just avoidance of SA at this point.
Two is that I am afraid rejection or no responses at all might really take its toll on me and lead to a relapse; too much too soon.
Oh actually a third one, I fear it's a bit asshole-ish to 'use' people to talk to just to build confidence. This is not to say I am going to ignore there are real people on the other end of the screen; It's just I have to devalue it a little in my mind to not be life-or-death or I'll get upset over being a virgin, which historically just ruins my day.
tl;dr I would like your take on whether it's a good idea for me to set up an OLD account just to get over my fear that the world will end and I need to crawl under a rock if I'm rejected or ignored. Actually this applies to the likes of Meetup too. Thanks!
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