Ok, so this is going to be a long one guys, it took me 3 hours to type it all out – but I just want to get it all out there as much as I can – all the details.
I want to hear what more people think outside of my friendship circle, as I'm pretty messed up atm.
HERE WE GO!
I (30 M) ended up matching with one girl (29F) on Tinder – 7 months after my 6 year relationship ended (it ended on good terms).
She has a kid. Always told myself I wouldn't get involved with a single Mum…but we hit it off by text, she's beautiful and funny, I figure why not?
Bit on MY past:
I've had 3 long lasting relationships with my first one at 16 ending badly (cheated on and lied to after 3 years) – which kinda damaged my trust and made me go super slow with relationships afterwards. Not really getting attached to anyone, because I always expect something bad to happen.
When my 6 year relationship ended – I didn't even cry, even though I cared about her and loved her – it was something I was expecting to happen, so I always kept part of my heart guarded. It was sad – but I wasn't a complete mess for a year like I was after my first relationship.
Bit on HER past:
1 year single, essentially single mother (kid is with Dad one week on/one week off – but he doesn't seem to really do anything).
She's coming out of a 10 year relationship. EX was manipulative and controlling. She had a kid with him 4 years into their dating – then he changed as a person.
He wouldn't look after the kid ever so she could go out and see friends, he drank, gambled money, convinced her to buy a house with him – then she found out his business was in the red – so she ended up having to work to pay off HIS debts otherwise she was going to lose the house (seeing as it was also in his name).
Eventually he fucked one of the people in her friendship circle and she found out.
He lied to her when she confronted him about it – as she was moving out he was verbally abusing her ("you won't make it without me", "you can't do it alone", etc) – this continued on for the last year with him trying to get her back (and her shutting him down, she only interacts with him when it comes to the kid – she never sees him, picking up the kid from school so she doesn't have to meet him).
EX last message was about 2 months ago saying "Our kid needs family." – last attempt to get back together before he heard about me.
So needless to say she has some issues when it comes to trust.
FIRST MONTH
This girl came out of nowhere and blew me away.
Immediately we hit it off, talking at the bar on our first date for 6 hours.
Second date we went to the movies where she invited me to her home to cook for third date.
Third date we ended up with amazing sexual chemistry as well as personal chemistry – and after that it got super intense.
Told her I loved her within 3 weeks – she said the same. I've never felt this way about anyone – closest thing was when I was 16.
We spent a week telling each other our biggest secrets. I didn't hold anything back for the first time since high-school.
We talked about our dreams.
We talked about everything.
I've always wanted a family (which is why I was always dating) – she already has a kid, and thought she was done, but after meeting me she said she wants it: marriage, kids, the whole deal. That I made her feel love again, which she didn't think was possible (she was dating for a year and felt nothing).
Then after 1 month she said she was stressing out and we broke up for 2-3 days where she was super silent on me.
SECOND MONTH
We talk again, she lays out how she was stressing a lot – thinking I want to hurt her or am lying to her.
For the record: I have been more committed to this girl than anyone else ever in my life. No lies, no holding back, nothing.
I assure her I don't ever want to hurt her and I love her. Long talk – we get back together.
She spends every day her kid isn't with her at my place – or me at her place. It's like a fairy tale – we get along INSANELY well.
Sex is great as the cherry on top. Multiple orgasms – for me as well somehow.
Second month continues to be amazing, she feels more like a serious/real girlfriend – she promises she won't run away again. We talk more seriously about the future.
She had an operation at 25-26 so she only has one ovary – worried about having kids, but we both REALLY want them…and the younger you are, the more likely it is (fertility dropping off hard for women over 35). So at 29, with the reproductive issues she's had…
Unprotected sex during her ovulation week.
Yes, I know it's crazy (4 years and 6 years relationships – no kids, because I wanted to be sure).
But this girl is everything that I was every looking for.
My heart is filled with love – and I know I want babies with her and to marry her.
Again, it's crazy, I know – but rather than miss out on it because of following a standard (date at least 1 year, marriage, kids, etc) – I want to secure it – because I'm already all in on this girl.
100% committed.
She talks about really wanting the kid. Being nervous she will have her period. No drinking. We spend time reading about how to increase chances of conception. I track he periods. Full on baby mode for a month.
I meet her kid for the first time. A big deal for her and a big step to letting me in on her life – she hasn't let anyone meet the kid yet.
She's really opening up.
Her period comes.
Shortly after, she says we were moving too fast – I agree it is fast.
She says she was only just rediscovering herself and all the things she wants to do – I say I want her to do all the things she wants to do.
She says it's causing her stress – I tell her I love her, lets be normal with the relationship and talk about all this stuff (marriage, kids) a year from now.
2 days – later, she says she can't be in the relationship.
Too fast, too stressed, not sure if she's going to EVER be ready for any of that stuff. She wants to secure her and her kids future by having a good education (she's going back to school soon) and a stable life.
She loves me, but she doesn't know what she wants.
She doesn't want to make any mistakes.
She's scared to commit.
I understand her. I tell her so. I suggest we take a break.
Break lasts a day.
We get back together – and agree to take it nice and slow.
THIRD MONTH
Her EX wouldn't let her see her friends and forced her to be with him non-stop – and she's spent so much time with me, she was behaving like she was with her EX (not going out to see her friends, etc).
I buy her a ring (based on something she likes – she loved it), tell her whenever she thinks I want to control her or when she starts getting in her head – to just look at the ring and know I love her.
I WANT her to do what SHE wants.
I want her to see her friends, I want her to go back to school, I want her to have everything.
I'm happy to wait, however long it takes.
“You only have to be with me when you want to be.”
Meanwhile, we've both booked fertility check-ups/tests, to reassure ourselves that we have time.
I have a bit of hypochondria/anxiety disorder sometimes – and I can get really bad. Had episodes at 16, 24 and 27 years. I told her all this during our first date! (Like I said, I held nothing back, I was like “I have issues sometimes – biggest one is this”).
I start over focusing on groin area – burning sensation when peeing, feeling need to pee all the time. Had same sensation 2-3 months before I met her- doctors checked bladder with ultrasound, gave me tests to look for infections – nothing.
Regardless, go back for tests to ease my mind – again nothing. No STDS either. She gets tested too ALL CLEAR.
Sensation still there can't un-focus on it – got ultrasound booked to check testicles because I have some pain there (from a pre-existing condition that I kind of forgot about).
Building anxiety/dread.
Scared about unloading all this on her (because I know she's sensitive) – but again, I don't want to hide anything – I want to be in love.
Love where you support one another and help each other through rough patches.
So I tell her in a calm way about it, and say I'm freaking out a bit.
She says she doesn't expect me to be perfect. She wants me to be her husband – and as long as I'm working to get better – that's what matters. Lots of other nice things like that.
We both book trips to see a therapist. I suggested it first for her – she suggested it for me when I said I was freaking out.
I talk to her a couple nights about my worries – but try to keep it light.
I don't want to whine about it non-stop. It's getting really hard for me though.
Her EX starts acting up and doesn't want the kid for his normal week.
Kid is gonna be with her 2 weeks in a row.
I force my anxiety to behave and not to focus on wanting to piss all the time.
See her son for second time at beach – nice day playing in sand and sea – I'm totally normal. Being with them distracts me from my shit.
She says she knows she wants kids eventually – that she was imaging our baby/toddler there with us today at the beach – wants it in the future.
See her the day after for a bit.
Son is with her 2nd week in a row now – ex being douchey – eventually says he will take kid on Friday.
See her briefly on Tuesday.
Go to see her on Thursday – we go swimming in a lake with her son, we play catch, he rides on my back…step-Dad feelings, I actually like the kid – I stay at hers for the first time whilst the kid is there. I'm having HUGE anxiety- but force myself to act normally- I ask her how I was, she said I was great.
Next day she drives me to the doctors for my ultrasound and goes to work (this time doctors look at my balls, everything's normal).
She had mentioned she'd been stressed whilst I was at hers – didn't pay attention to it because fighting my own battle in my head. But comforted her and told her not to stress, ex is being a douche but she is strong – should of seen the warning sign though. Should've asked more. Fuck my stupid anxiety brain.
Her EX gets the kid same day – so she's free to do whatever.
Says she's seeing her friends in the evening – I say good, and tell her to have fun. Gives me time to deal with the anxiety. I want to be OKAY around her – not feeling like I'm fighting myself all the time.
Maybe also quitting nicotine gum wasn't the best thing for me…anxiety is REALLY bad that Friday, borderline panic attacks all day – I don't message her about it at all though.
Talk to friends online instead and let her enjoy herself – she was full time Mum for last two weeks and stressed – I want her to be with her friends and have a few drinks.
She sees friends. Bit un-talkative, but I don't pressure anything with texts – just asking if she's having fun, etc – a couple of messages from me over the course of the night.
They get drunk and I get a late goodnight message at 1.30am – but I'm already asleep (I'd told her before goodnight messages are really important to me).
Wake up, see her goodnight message.
Don't reply to it because don't want to wake her – AND I want to give her space – to let her know that I'm here when she wants me, to otherwise enjoy her time with her friends.
Hear nothing till about 11.30am.
“Hi, I come to yours at 1-2.”
No emoticons of hearts or smiles.
We have little bit of talk via text – she says she was talking to her friends for 6 hours. I say it sounds like fun – then ask if anything is wrong – no response.
Immediately past 2 months come to mind, sense bad things incoming.
She comes round – I've been fighting anxiety all day, this isn't helping. She gives me back my flat key. Says she's been stressed again, that we need to break up.
Me not having a job (cause studying at 30 going 31).
Me also having these anxiety and hypochondria issues.
These are problems.
She wants to help me, but she herself is not stable.
I want to be a rock for her – and I was for the first 3 months – but going into this 4th month I'm having issues.
She has to look after herself and her kid first.
I was thinking exact same thing on Friday when I was borderline having panic attacks the whole day – I don't want to be a burden.
I love her so much – I only want good things for her.
I'm not good enough for her – those thoughts running through my mind past 2 weeks when hypochondria started acting up.
She also says she doesn't know what she wants again.
That maybe we want different things.
That she thought she wouldn't have kids after she broke up – she thinks she CAN'T because of the ovary – and is scared to find out.
She doesn't know what she wants – and she doesn't want to keep doing this to me (breaking up every month).
She says she needs to sort her shit out – and that I need to sort myself out too.
With all my own personal issues going on right now – I tell her “okay, I think you're right”.
We cuddle a bit, we say I love you a lot to each other – she says “this is sad”.
We have sex – she leaves immediately afterwards.
Long lingering goodbye at the door, kisses, long looking – and a sad quiet “bye” from each of us at the end.
Normally I'm there like a rock, but this time – I can't do it. Because I'm really suffering myself right now. I've told her breaking up is dumb the last two times – if she loves me as much as I love her, we shouldn't throw it away.
But this time it's not in me to fight. I felt like I needed her to be there for me a bit with this anxiety I'm having right now – and she was as much as she was able (again, I tried my best not to burden her with my issues).
BUT – it seems like me opening up about my problems was just too much for her right now – and is what led to her latest stress/reason to call things off.
Situation right now:
Break up was yesterday.
I said I wouldn't message her by text after she left.
She needs her space to do whatever.
But I said if she ever WANTS to talk to me she can. That I'm here for her, and even if nothing ever happens and this is the end – she's always going to have a special place in my heart.
She says she wants to talk to me. That she's not going to be seeing anyone else – and if she does she'll tell me.
Kind of implied we're gonna see each other again. She still has a couple of things of mine at her place (an old games console we played together, a charger, etc).
Her sibling just got to the country on the day of our break-up who she hasn't seen for 1-2 years – and will be here for a month or two. So I expected her to be busy – especially seeing as she's finally gotten her free week, the kid being back at the Dad's place.
Last message yesterday is me telling her to have fun with her sibling.
Tell her one more time that she is amazing and I love her – and that I'm now going radio silent.
First day of being single again.
Anxiety/hypochondria semi-under control, better than Friday…a bit – nicotine patch probably helping, decided cold turkey wasn't smart with my current stress.
About to go for a 20 minute run, just had a cold shower and typed this out for about three hours.
Friends Opinions:
“Well, it's reasonable. She probably just has a lot of her own things right now – maybe it'll work out a couple of months from now, when you're both better.”
“It sounds like she likes drama. If she really loves you she wouldn't be behaving like that – even though she has issues, she keeps making you commit emotionally – then running away. She shouldn't be caring about whether you have a job or not either. She saw you being fine for 3 months, but is now being stressed because you're having a rough time. That isn't the kind of love you want.”
“It's easy to think and say you'll love someone no matter what…probably she didn't realize what she was promising – what her own resources actually were. Maybe she thought she was stronger and at a more stable place mentally, than she actually was.”
“She isn't loving you for who you are – you're studying and you were there for her even when you were having huge issues yourself. Every time she gets stressed she calls things off. You can't be with someone who is always putting themselves first.”
MY THOUGHTS:
I literally have done everything I could in this relationship.
I committed with all I had in a way I haven't done since my first girlfriend.
Opened up about all my dreams, my anxieties, etc.
Was thinking of her all the time, cooked for her each day, made her coffee in the morning, massaged her back when it was sore from work – and none of these things felt like a chore either, I wanted her to be happy.
She was on my mind a lot – and I did lots of little things to show her I loved her and was there for her. She pulled me out of my comfort zone and made me want to be a better person.
I can't bring myself to believe she didn't really feel anything for me.
I have to believe she loves me a lot.
But genuinely that she has her own issues – and right now, she only has the energy to spend on her and her kid.
She's about to go back to school whilst working, she's about to go to therapy and her kid too (thanks to me suggesting it may be useful) – so she's juggling a lot.
She doesn't have the capacity to be also be looking after someone else. Especially if she doesn't know what she really wants.
Also, I said “should I come after you again when I've got my shit together” when we were breaking up – and she said “yes, I'd like that.”
Not sure how to feel about that.
She only wants me if I have a job and am ALWAYS mentally healthy?
If I ever get sick or have problems – does she just ditch me? Or is it only because of her own current issues?
If I would get fired from my job when I find work – is that a reason to leave me again?
All I know is I love her a lot.
But I think she also triggered my anxiety/hypochondria – thinking about my own fertility, how important kids are to me, about having to always be strong and there for her…that I couldn't be vulnerable or lean on her for support. Also, worrying about my career change at 30 – feeling a bit like I've failed at life.
Either way, this time, I'm not chasing or following after her. Keeping radio silence like I said – whilst I deal with my own shit (studying, seeing a therapist, fighting anxiety).
Some friends think she's gonna call back up in a week, once her sibling being around has gotten back to normal. Maybe it'll be for some casual sex and hanging out (sex was really good – and it was implied that we would see each other again).
Not sure how I feel about anything right now. Not sure if I should allow myself to just enjoy her company (if she even wants to hang out again) whilst I'm figuring my shit out.
SO!
Help me people of reddit – tell me your thoughts, your advice – do I keep in contact if she opens up dialogue with me? Do I see her for friends with benefits? Do I pull away?
Do I still allow myself to hope for a future with this woman?
I've never felt this way in my life about anyone…scared of letting it go, even though it seems impossible to make it work right now.
I will read all of you responses – and answer any questions – I still missed a lot, but I think I got the important things.
And if you made it this far – thanks for reading!
Much love, An anxiety stricken, broken heart hypochondriac <3
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