A feeling of inadequacy [F/22]

I never had a serious relationship where I was in love. I had a boyfriend for several months in high school but I didn’t really like him – I was dating him mostly because of all the pressure from friends and family to “exit my comfort zone” and because I was curious about hooking up (but sex with him was awful). Then when I arrived at university I had some one night stands and also met 3 guys I really liked (aged 23, 27 and 30) but none of them reciprocated my feelings, or if they did, for some reason it was impossible to pursue the relationship… It was mostly them leading me on and repeating again again “I’m not looking for anything serious etc…”. So I haven’t managed to find someone who likes me and that I like back to try to involve in something a bit more serious.

What drives me crazy is the feeling of inadequacy and envy I feel when I date guys who already had girlfriends in the past and who obviously have more sexual and emotional experience compared to me. I feel like we’re not playing on equal terms (don’t know if this makes sense) and it makes me even more upset when they act like assholes because I feel like they didn’t deserve it. And I always feel like I come after someone else who’s already been there in the past, so I just wished I could have “someone from the past” too (I mean an ex-bf).

Another thing that gives me anxiety is the fact that when I’ll finally find that special someone, he will probably have already experienced those feelings of intimacy with someone else before me, and I feel like that could prevent me from feeling truly close to them. I am aware that with every person it’s different and that maybe it always feels special, but I can’t get rid of this pattern of thought, which therefore amplifies my frustration.

I created like a sort of parallel-universe narrative in my head where the encounters I had in the past few years actually count as “relationships”… also because I felt them in such an intense way and they had such an impact on me that they were not “shallow” from my perspective.

I wrote here because I would want to gain a more positive attitude towards guys and I’m wondering whether this has to do with my self-esteem. I don’t even think it’s about comparing myself to others because most of my friends have the same level of experience as me, if not even less. Thanks to anyone willing to give some advice 🙂