As a short disclaimer, this is a personal story and my takeaways might not apply to everybody. Furthermore, there is nothing new under the sun and the lessons I've learned have certainly been stated numerous times. Nevertheless, I think some could benefit from my experience, hence this post.
To set the stage I (M20) had my first relationship at 13. We stayed together on/off for about 2-3 years and in hindsight we were just two f'd up kids, which resulted in a pretty toxic relationship and messed me up for quite a while. When we finally broke up I coped with the situation by bettering myself and dedicating my time fully to my ambitions. Since the break up we had zero contact.
Fast forward half a decade, we're texting again. After hooking up a couple of times we decided to give it another shot and came back together, which logically made no sense at all. I pretty quickly realized that our values didn't align at all. While I'm obsessively success-oriented, put a high value on sports and healthy living as well as enjoying a frugal lifestyle to afford a better life in the long term, she's a party girl that's boozing multiple times a week, has no interest in self-improvement and all of her financial worries are being taking care of by her parents. Hence she has no concept of hard work, which is reflected in her spending habits. At the end of the day to each, their own and I'm not judging, but from the get-go, I knew that our values didn't align and that it would be a problem further down the road, but was blinded by my emotions.
In my experience shared values are paramount for a successful long-term relationship, a notion which I ignored. In hindsight, I gave it a shot because of who she was and the feelings I once had for her, rather than who she is now and how I felt in the present.
Since we barely had anything in common the conversations were rather dry and shallow, and she occupied too much of my headspace, which distracted myself from my goals.
Long story short I broke up because I couldn't see a shared future and in hindsight, I probably could have saved myself a bunch of sleepless nights and emotional confusion, by avoiding the situation altogether.
So, what are the lessons I have learned?
Lesson 1: Never get back together with your ex. I knew it from the get-go, I knew it throughout and I certainly know it now. This might not apply to your situation but in 99.99% of cases you broke up for a reason and getting back together isn't a viable solution.
Lesson 2: Personal values are paramount and your life comes first. All my successful relationships have one thing in common – I put myself, my goals and my life outside of the relationship first. Which made me a more caring and loving partner. In my experience, once you prioritize your partner above all it creates dependency and resentment, as well as regret once you inevitably break up.
Lesson 3: Being with someone for the memories you share rather than the person they are now is a huge red flag. People change and that's normal. You won't change anyone and I've learned first hand that disregarding who a loved one has become, while maybe enjoyable in the short-term, is a horrible long-term strategy.
As I said, those are lessons you've probably once learned yourself. But the whole situation was a sobering reminder for me and might have a similar effect on you.
Thanks for reading!
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