I'm a 19-year-old British Indian female, a university student and I have never been in a relationship but I've had sex and I had an FWB for a while in my first year of uni. I don't know if a relationship is worth it at my age mainly because I am an emotional mess:
My first year was pretty bad because I caught feelings for my fwb who also happened to be my best friend and when he discovered that he basically decided to remove me from his life and took my social life away with that too. Having feelings for him only made me suffer. I have since recovered from that falling out, I was kind of numb for a while, became a workaholic, I became a little happier but mostly I wasn't happy or sad I was just living. I used alcohol to cope with my feelings at the time.
Since Lockdown has started I have been talking to a guy (22 white) from uni who I have met irl and is also a good friend of mine. We ended up confessing we had feelings for each other and it was going super well for the first few weeks of lockdown we were talking between 5 to 10 hours a day for a few weeks. He was super into me but then recently he told me that both of his exes were South Asian and his experiences with them (being treated like a dirty secret due to cultural pressure) had really made his mental health suffer so he doesn't know if he could do a long term thing with me and that he just wants to take it easy. His communication has slowed down and we've now been going days without talking to each other but whenever I do call him we end up talking for hours.
Now here's the thing the days he doesn't talk to me have made me an overthinking emotional mess. Ever since he mentioned the South Asian thing, I have been kinda devastated because it's been a long time since I've caught feelings for a guy. Before we started talking in Lockdown, my life wasn't exactly amazing but I was single, getting shit done, only focused on myself and my friends, kind of indifferent and relieved that I didn't have to go out anymore due to the pandemic. After I have started speaking to him, I have become a mess, I can barely get my work done.
This happened the last time I caught feelings for a guy as well and I really had to push myself to keep going despite knowing that I wasn't good enough for him. I am so scared that this guy will feel the same way about me eventually that I' m not good enough. It just makes me wonder whether all of this is even worth it. My mental health always suffers when I really like a guy and it probably has something to do with the fact that my dad left when I was 9 and my self-esteem has always been extremely poor. My family are religious Muslims but I've always broken out the mould and I've really worked hard to not be forced to do anything such as wearing the hijab. I'm an agnostic as well so I have had a hard time but I've established who I am to them. It just makes me sad that everything they have ever said to me about relationships outside marriage only bringing pain to your life has turned out to be true.
I just wonder if relationships are even worth it at my age?? I've never had a boyfriend but I've been craving emotional intimacy and affection for a while so it's something I would like but I also know that I would be a mess due to the overthinking.
submitted by /u/sxwds
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