Hi there.
As I said I very rarely catch feelings for anyone. As a 25 year old gay male it has happened three times in my entire life. I have intermittent casual friends with benefits but not many through the yearsz as I have an unusually low sex drive. What attracts me to someone is of course their looks, but an empty hot person does nothing for me emotionally. I love meeting people who are self realized, open to the world, passionate, and always present themselves as they are and are open minded. Just good at being human and they "get it" in my words.
Anyways I believe that it's just a really stringent criteria that makes feelings based on that happen so rarely for me. And I'm cool with that, I don't actively seek out a relationship if that's not there. I FEEL whole I'm my day to day life. I'm in a small City with a small and interwoven community where I've chatted and dated about, but never bonded with anyone I've encountered in that deeper manner I'm talking about.
Anyways, among the three experiences where I have felt that, one was unpursuable (they were exploring things with an acquaintance of mine and I put it out of mind, and it eventually faded) the second one, I lost a close friend because he couldn't deal despite initially being on board with getting closer romantically. Ended up ghosting me after 2 years of close friendship and 1 month of taking it further. Didn't bother trying to explain that his feelings changed, just cut and run and then told some of our mutual friends and acquaintances that I was pathetic because I fell for him and "that's not how it works." I never once did something to overstep or make him uncomfortable, and I tried to communicate at every turn because I didn't want this to ruin our friendship if something changes. He was with it until he wasn't. I did nothing out of the ordinary or wrong. I guess you'll just have to trust that last statement.
Now this other one only happened this past weekend, and I might actually get to explore it. He doesn't live here but was in my city visiting a friend, and I hung out with them all week and it was palpable. There were flirty confirmations, and then full on discussions of the vibe and feels and flirts that ended up being mutual. Yay!
But of course he had to leave. He has a job that allows travel for free, and in my mind I'd love to get to know him better and he seems to feel the same. But he's gone now and I feel like I'm on a damned balance beam trying to not show too much interest, but trying to keep contact, but also doubting that it would ever work out because how could he actually be interested in me like I am him? There are other circumstantial things that would make it slightly difficult, but that's a story for another post. The point is the mutual interest seems to be there but with the distance and the feels and this weird doubt, I feel like I'm walking on a razors edge and am fearful that I wont actually get to explore these feelings, for a dude which I actually got butterflies for, and who was himself seemingly open and eager to get to know me. Which again for me is incredibly rare. I know if nothing became of it i'd be okay and will likely eventually find someone where the stars align just right, but I would love to explore this here and now. I feel tangled up and uncertain and that only happens when I am talking to someone that I actually like.
I don't know if it was the long and drawn out and kinda traumatic ending of the prior friendship I discussed, or if it's normal and I just need to chill, or if there's something I just need to overcome or realize to get past that mental block. Do I actually believe deep down that I'm not worth anyone's time romantically, where once I put them on a pedestal they become out of reach in my mind, and I'm pathetic? Am I just normal? Is this just growth? I really can't feel confident about any of these potential answers and that makes me overthink a loooot.
I'd love any perspective or experience you may have to try to help me untangle this.
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