I realized that I had never thought about “me” because I was always part of a “we” – that is, I was always in a relationship. The collective “we” should always be first. You should put the needs of the relationship first, always.

The problem most people have is that they get lost in their SO’s needs, and not the collective needs of the relationship. You should always ask yourself “Is that what’s best for US?” not “Is this what’s best for HIM/HER/ME”

I was 23 when I realized I had never thought selfishly. I was constantly in one relationship or another since i was 15. I was a serial monogamist, going from one LTR to another.

So I made a pact with myself to be single for one year. The first attempt, I made it three months. Second attempt, I made it 8 months. Third attempt, I made it a year.

It was actually super difficult for me because I had always been in a relationship and always had to think about what was going to happen to the relationship if I did anything.

The realization that I had never thought about ME and MY future was the catalyst. Once I succeeded in thinking of only me for a year, it made me realize that the man I was with, who I adored, was not right for ME and MY future. It made it easier to leave him. He wanted too much of me and I realized I could not achieve my own goals by giving him what he needed to achieve his. Neither of us were wrong in what we wanted, but our goals were incompatible, so it would never have worked.

Since I had learned to be independent in that year alone, I learned to think about myself and what I wanted, so I am no longer willing to sacrifice that so the other person can achieve what they want.

The only way a relationship can work is if what you want and what he/she wants are compatible. If your goal is to settle down and have kids by the time you’re 35, and he wants to travel the world and be a nomad until he retires, then you’re not going to work. If you want to go to school and get a degree, but he wants you to stay home and be his trophy wife, you’re not compatible. If you want to be a stay at home mom, and he wants to bounce around minimum wage jobs for the rest of his life, you’re probably not compatible.

But if he wants to travel across the country living in an RV, and you want to see the world while you work remote, then that will probably work. If you want to go to school, and he wants to work hard at the same company he’s already with so he can become management, then that might work.

You do what works for you, and if he wants the same thing, you’re not being selfish. You’re doing what’s best for the relationship. By doing your own thing, and him doing his own thing, you’re making your relationship stronger.

With the right person, that “selfish” thought about doing what’s best for you is actually doing what’s best for the relationship. You make him/her stronger by doing your own thing, because what he/she is doing compliments it fully.