Wanting to have kids is on my list of dealbreakers, so is a reasonable sex life. I (30M) have had some amazing partners and am now looking for my forever person, so dealbreakers matter more than ever. Condoms make sex near pleasureless for me and yes, I’ve tried an endless number of brands, still no bueno. I’m not ok with a vasectomy because of the high chance of reversal failure, docs I’ve talked to aren’t even be willing to perform it because I want kids.

I’m all about playing it safe with condoms until exclusivity and only dropping them after trading STD test results. However, it’s a hard ask for my partner to use birth control continuously after exclusivity so sex can at least be pleasurable. I’m happy to pay for the doc visits, the pills, rings, IUDs, etc. If / when we’re done having kids I’m 100% happy to hop on the vasectomy train. If there was a male IUD (reversible, minimized side effects, 99+% effectiveness) I’d get it right away and never push that burden. However, that door isn’t open to me. I fully understand and respect any person’s right to do as they choose with their body. So it only make sense to end things if we’re at odds.

So, my ask for r/dating: when do I bring this up? How?

I’ve waited too long before and had serious heartache (4 women) ending things when the response was no, refusal to use. I’ve brought it up too early, perhaps scaring folks away. I’ve even experimented with telling folks after scheduling but before the first date, messaging in dating apps to get a feel for the baseline acceptance.