This is an idea I hear often, and I put it in quotes because its not something I actually believe. Quite the opposite. In fact, I think this is a really toxic attitude to have that does psychological damage to a lot of people. Indeed its something I must confess I’ve struggled with for a long time.

So the assumption at play here is that if you’re unable to get dates, it must be because something is wrong with you. You’re creepy, you’re misogynistic (if you’re a guy), you have no charisma, you’re not interesting, you’re not successful, you don’t take care of your appearance, etc. Which is of course insane because what this assumption does is stereotype a whole class of people as unappealing losers that deserve to be alone. If we swapped the demographic with a race, gender, sexuality, etc. then many would be quick to point out that this is basically a bigoted viewpoint. Yet somehow it is socially acceptable to simply assume a whole list of nasty things about someone simply because they haven’t had much success at dating. It’s no different than assuming inferiority about someone simply because of their race or gender, yet the irony of this is apparently somehow lost on people.

How you’ll often hear this phrased is something like “If everyone rejects you, then guess who is the common denominator?” This flippant response strikes me as odd because its impossible to control the outcome when approaching someone else romantically (and even if you could, doing so would not be ethical or desirable for long term happiness). If you never got dates, it’s because of something everyone else did; they all chose to say “no”. So if you’re a single person, does that mean you must be so inherently flawed that it makes sense for every single person to reject you? Maybe this is true for some undesirable groups that I shall not name, but this certainly isn’t always the case. I think we should at least be open to the idea that there may be cultural/social factors at play that prevent others from recognizing the good traits that someone does have that may not be immediately apparent.

The big problem here is that after a while, people internalize this rhetoric. They come to believe–irrationally–that yes, there must be something wrong with them to explain why they always get rejected. And when they can’t find that reason, they start to gaslight themselves and scrutinize everything they do for signs of being creepy or socially offensive. This leads to poor-self esteem and a defeatist mindset and is why many people give up on dating, I think. Not to mention the fact that its a viscous cycle when lack of sexual/romantic experience is, in itself, a deal-breaker. You get rejected because you have no experience, and because of that, you can never get any experience in the first place, so you can rejected again and again, until you wake up one day and your 20’s are half over and you still haven’t had a girlfriend.

(By the way, despite my last comment, I do believe this issue can happen to both men and women).

So what do you guys think? I know I flaired the post as “venting” but I’m curious what your thoughts are on this topic. Does anyone else feel the same way or notice the same social trends? Do you agree that it is possible for someone to be completely normal, even desirable, but still not get dates?