I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. And for the most part, I can acknowledge my mistakes and move on.

A good example would be in 2015. I was 23 at the time and I fell in love for the first time ever. Nowadays, she’s a gorgeous 5’11 lawyer. But when I met her… She was just another person. And we were both absolutely smitten with each other (but simultaneously too afraid for either of us to make the first move on the other).

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She was terrified of me and I was terrified of her. But eventually, despite her passing on a lot of suitors waiting for me to ask her out… My luck eventually ran out. I was arrogant and thought she’d never say yes to another guy. And I remember it completely destroying me emotionally at the time (the day she finally agreed to go on a date with some guy). Not because she was dating another guy. But because I knew I could have been with her… Because I know how deeply she pined over me for two years. Because I knew that compared to every single other guy I had it fucking easy by comparison. I didn’t even have to try and I still couldn’t just ask her out. I was too much of an immature and stuck-up coward to just swallow my pride and suggest we get coffee or something.

I remember for years having night terrors over it. Truly torturous stuff. I’d wake up sweating and emotionally drained. I dreaded falling to sleep for a long time because of it. Because I knew the dark recesses my subconscious would slip into. If anyone’s ever listened to the song Mr. Brightside by the Killers… That was the general tone of my dreams.

But one day I managed to train myself to stop thinking about her. And the dreams were less frequent. Years have passed and I’ve dated numerous women since. But deep down in the pit of my stomach I know they’re not her.

In more recent times I’ve chosen to remain single. I’m a lot better than I was in 2015. But I know I’m not ready to date. I still have women crush on me or whatever it is they do (show an interest) but my heart’s not in it anymore. It’s weird how someone from so long ago has had such a paralytic and deep-seated effect on my life all these years later. But nowadays I can think of her and appreciate the time for what it was.

That is, of course, until now. The weirdest things seem to make me go into relapse just when I think I’m doing okay. And I’ve realized that it’s not the memories themselves but how I sometimes end up experiencing them. Tonight I weirdly looked up ‘Owl City’ on Wikipedia. And it has zero relevance to her. But I began looking at his timeline of album releases: 2009, 2011, 2012, 2015.

And when I look at years in text it mostly means nothing to me. But I can remember vividly where I was and what I was doing in each of these years when the music came out. And I think back to the man I used to be in each of those years… So fresh-faced and eager-eyed. I didn’t know what love was (but I was excited for it to come my way). And when it did it completely destroyed me.

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And I haven’t been the same since… It’s called limerance. And there isn’t a cure. And time doesn’t heal it. Which is why I don’t go looking for help for it in a place like this. But I still have the night terrors of her being pulled away from me. At first, she’s screaming out to me. And I’m trying to chase her down but I can’t catch up to her… But as time goes on in the dream (sometimes years) I watch her go from upset and distraught that I’m not with her… To slowly becoming happier and happier that I never did end up catching up to her. And every time it fucking hurts like the last time.

Tl;dr Ask out that guy or girl you might be interested in, guys. That’s the only advice I can give you. Because I don’t know what the fuck this girl managed to do to me… But 5 years on and I’m not over her. I don’t regret knowing her… But I do regret not doing anything.