I have been in a relationship (LDR) for a little over half a year. He isn’t my first serious relationship, I’ve been in several, but I am his first serious relationship. Idk if that matters, just some context maybe? Overall things are pretty good. We have open communication like I’ve never had before, we’ve met several times, my partner is aware of my trust issues and self sabotaging behavior and is generally very supportive and loving. This past weekend though, despite us having plans together (not irl, just some calls and stuff, support cause I just started a new job and am anxious and was expecting to be able to talk to him), he went on a trip with his family. Which is okay…but he didn’t tell me till the night before (even though he knew about it for like a week), and he also seemed like he was annoyed about going. Then he goes and it’s nothing but fun and happy for him. So…he lied about not wanting to even go to me for some reason? I guess he’s scared of how insane I probably am and knew I’d be unhappy so he just decided to not tell me because he figured no matter what I’d be unhappy. As the night went on though, I was feeling a little bit better. I was bummed I wouldn’t get to call him, but then he got super high and drunk and that was my tipping point of talking to him, so I just stopped replying because I felt so upset. I haven’t replied since. I’m not angry with him at all really, mostly upset with myself for feeling so bad. I basically just came home from work and cried because my support unit was too wasted to ask how I even was. I even said to him I wasn’t comfortable with him being under the influence of two things at once but he ignored it basically and continued to do both.

So, fast forward to today and I haven’t talked to him at all and I don’t know what to do when he comes back from his trip and tries to talk to me. I have this thing where when I get extremely overwhelmed and stressed out I sort of panic and detach myself from relationships with people and self-isolate, and I’ve already done that with the few friends I have and cancelled some plans with them. I won’t talk to anybody. I won’t message him because I’m so confused and conflicted on what to do. The main issue I’m having is I’m pretty sure I am irrationally upset and shouldn’t be feeling the way I feel, but that still doesn’t make it go away. I feel almost controlling or emotionally manipulative/abusive because I want a lot of time spent on me or else I feel inadequate. I don’t even know why I feel so upset. Am I upset because he isn’t spending all his time on me? Am I upset because he’s having fun and I’m not allowed to right now? Am I upset because he got really drunk and high and I felt like I wasn’t consulted on if he should be doing that? We’re both adults so…being upset about any of these is illogical and not fair to him.

I’m thinking that maybe I should end it when he’s back either tonight or tomorrow because I feel like I am going to inevitably be too much of a negative impact on his life in the future if I feel how I do and he doesn’t deserve someone like that when he’s such a good and giving person. He’s an adult, I shouldn’t be expecting to be spoiled or treated like more important than other things, and I also shouldn’t be so upset he makes decisions like getting drunk and high. I mean honestly I can’t even figure out why the hell I am so upset and I’ve been trying to so I can talk to him about it but I have zero conclusion. I don’t want to make him feel bad and like he can’t do anything without my approval, it’s abusive to be that way I’m pretty sure. I’d rather him find someone who is fine with everything and never gets upset with him and doesn’t care what he does and be happy with them and look back at our relationship and view me as that weird crazy ex than have him stuck with me and second guessing everything he does because it might make his crazy girlfriend upset. I’ve been crying since Friday about figuring out if I should make this decision because I love him so much and I want to talk to him about it and figure out what’s going on but I have no idea why I’m so upset since I haven’t been able to pinpoint it, and also he’s on a trip having fun with his family and I’m not going to ruin his good time so I have essentially just cut communication with him so he can get a break from my psycho needy ass.

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This was mostly just a rant/vent but advice on wtf is maybe going on with my brain would be cool too if anyone takes the time to read my garbage pile of words.