Hello fellas,

I understand that my question may be more specific to PhDs but I think that I would appreciate the general input from people who intentionally (or unintentionally) go through for many years with no dating .

How do you deal with no dating during a significant period of time (in my case, PhD – 5 years)?

I’m finishing 3rd year of my PhD in Engineering (27 M) at one of first-tier US Universities (Stanford/MIT/Caltech). I’m also from a country that has funny relationship with US (Russia/Iran), so my entrance visa is short-term, renewing it might take up to half a year (during good times, during COVID just impossible). So, 3 years in US, most likely 2 to go, can’t leave the borders of US and see relatives and friends back home. It takes a toll, as well.

And there is no question of leaving PhD program as getting my PhD is tied to my future. I won’t lie, I’m doing PhD only because it should improve my financial situation long-term (Russia/Iran is in financial crisis). I’m getting to industry after graduation, either in US (uncertain due to visa/green card uncertainty), Canada, or somewhere in Europe. It’s funny that I haven’t mentioned anything about research – not something I care much about. Coursework, research and publications are going fine, I should graduate in two years.

Essentially, I’m working investment banking hours, get paid as McDonalds cashier, has become less fit due to stress, and a foreigner. Not exactly a catch to women in California/Boston. I wouldn’t date myself or actually any PhD student in my department, frankly. Realistically, I will be able to date only when I escape PhD. I’m positive that after PhD I can improve a lot, finance-wise, looks-wise.

But there is no way for me now to improve my body or fashion – no money, no time. Not much time and money for hobbies, either.

I wonder, how do people deal with putting all dating on hold for 5 years? I’m talking about exactly nothing – no one-night stands, no flirting – just work. My motivation really takes a toll. I’m not a person that is easy to break, PhD has made me an even tougher and focused person but I start missing deadlines. My current motivation is based on telling myself that it’s investment in my future, but it gets old after 3 years.

I would appreciate any advice / life examples.