To start with, I used to be an overly excited (and pretty oblivious) person who’d have a crush on someone but not know how to deal with it or act on it in a way that wasn’t weird. But now that I can look back on it and see that, I don’t think I understand how crushes should feel or even if the crushes I had were crushes or something else. Maybe they were genuine crushes, maybe some urge pushing through to the surface, or maybe a misinterpretation of what I was really thinking (IE, crushing on the idea of someone rather than the person themself). I honestly don’t know.

And the confusion about crushes plays into my confusion about how I’d be able to have a crush when I’m not who I used to be. Like I said, I used to be excited, but that’s just not how I am anymore. Being excited about someone just seems reckless and dumb for me to do nowadays, and seems more like a weakness than a strength. So I’m just not excited about crushing or dating, I just end up going with the flow but not being particularly excited about it. And I just don’t have or know how to have crushes on people anymore.

I hope this is coherent enough and that someone can understand it well enough to deconstruct it and explain how it works and what I could do about all this. Thank you in advance, though.