I’m not sure if this is the right place for this question but I didn’t know where else to go.

This happened months ago but I’m thinking back at it and I realize that I missed a bunch of red flags. While I was dating this guy something didn’t feel right. I thought I was being weird about age gap, (20+ years, I was 23 at the time) but turns out it was my intention. Someone close to me warned me that they didn’t think it would last but I thought they were being cynical. Which is why I feel as though I can’t complain and anything that happened is on me.

Before this, I never dated someone (we dated for about 6 months). I had been out on one date prior a couple of weeks ago, that was my first date, we met on a dating app and that was it. So this was the first thing that felt real.

Another reason I feel like I’m blowing this out of proportion? Or maybe it’s my fault? Is because I don’t even think I liked him. I never dated someone and I didn’t know what It was supposed to feel like. I liked the way he treated me and I liked his personality (sometimes) but I don’t know if I actually liked him. There’s a difference. I didn’t even find him attractive. In return, he only used me because he was lonely.

But the two situations I’m talking about in particular are:

we were on a train and we were on our way back from a dat. I’m not one for PDA and I didn’t feel like making out with him. But it was very obvious that he was in that kind of mood. Sometimes I feel like he manipulated my feelings because he knew my weak points. He would push and push and push until I gave in, every time, and that was that. We were sitting next to each other and He leaned in and tried o kiss me. I didn’t want too so I tried to push him off but instead of backing off he wrapped his arms around me harder. Thats when I realized how much stronger he was than me and I was trying to push him off with no avail so I finally gave in.

Another time, I was waiting for my car to pick me up. And without my permission, he pulled me close, unzipped his pants, and put his p•nis up my back. It was so awful and uncomfortable & I want to cry thinking about it because I feel so stupid. But I didn’t know what to do because we were in a public area and if I moved I would’ve exposed him. Afterward, I told him that I didn’t like that. Five to Ten minutes prior AI talked to him about boundaries. But it was very obvious that he didn’t respect me or care because right after that conversation he did that. (I didn’t see it like that at the time). But I felt like I also didn’t give him a reason to respect me.

I was so excited that someone as into me, that I chalked it up to him making a mistake, him being lonely, he won’t do it again. Which is why I feel like I can’t be mad. And to top it off when I talked about it with my friend we kind of just laughed it off. Her first initial reaction was excitement and then I felt embarrassed so I brushed it off. I didn’t/dont have anyone else to talk to about it. I felt stupid and embarrassed but I ignored it and continued to see him.

But now I’m thinking back on all the times where He made me uncomfortable or put me in inappropriate situations. I feel like it’s on me because once I realized that he wasn’t respecting my boundaries and I should’ve walked away. I should’ve seen it. I should’ve realized what was going on but I didn’t. Is this my fault? Am I being dramatic? Am I worrying over nothing? It’s been eating at me. And I don’t have anyone I can talk to so I figured I’d take it to Reddit.

I don’t wanna make it seem like he’s a terrible person. I did continue to see him and if I hadn’t got so wrap up I wouldn’t have even been put in that situation.

I wish there was some kind of dating guide or dating rulebook. I didn’t know what I was getting into until it’s too late. These are two situations but there were many, little situations that I guess I didn’t process as being a problem at the time. It’s not like I go around doing that stuff all the time because I don’t. I don’t really date like that, I’ve never been intimate with someone before (per my will), I don’t have a lot of guys on deck. But the part of my brain that’s supposed to process danger didn’t process this as that so It went completely over my head. And I feel like an idiot. I feel like I can only blame myself. Can someone let me know, was I taken advantage of, or was I just a dumbass who didn’t walk away?

the good thing is going through this completely changed my life. My standards, the way I see myself, the way I carry myself, and the kind of people I date in the future (if I date) and the type of woman I’ll be going forward.