Hi, everyone.

I’m a 24 y/o queer male whose longest relationships have barely made the 5 month mark. Now, there’s a lot of things that go into my mind when I let myself wonder why my dating average lurks around two weeks with those rare 5 month exceptions, but I think I need some outside perspective and experiences because, of course, to simply wonder and judge myself is not a good pastime.

So, I was just friendzoned by a guy who I started dating in January and we hit it off real good, it was one of the nicest (if not the best) relationship (although we weren’t sure in the end if we were breaking up or simply establishing ourselves as friends) I’ve had, and sure, COVID got in the way and we stopped seeing each other in March, so I did expect it to take a toll on us. But the thing is that after he asked to be friends, and even when I said yes, I know that once I’m over him I’ll hardly ever reach out to him and I know it’s because part of me understands that we weren’t all that compatible. Did we get along? Sure. But I doubt we were compatible beyond liking each other, going out and having sex.

Now, I’ve noticed that I have this tendency to date people who are way too different from the kind of person I am, and would usually feel excited about that. I’m an artist. I’m heavily passionate and creative and spontaneous, but I’m also very reserved and introverted, and would much rather a one-on-one conversation with a friend than going out with a group. I don’t hate parties, but I’d rather not go to them, and before I get called out on not being flexible enough, I do make sacrifices if it means being there for someone. What I don’t like, however, is going out to bars and clubs because I get socially exhausted very fast and need to go to a quieter place after a couple of hours of simply being there and smiling. I’m fun in other ways. But as a queer man, well, mind you, that’s a sin, and even with fellow queer friends I am constantly put down because I’m not about the lifestyle.

My go to for dates is obviously tinder, and grindr too because I don’t care to engage with the guys who just want a quick bite. I’ve made long lasting friendships through grindr, even. And I’m thankful that these last couple of years I’ve been working on my mind and body and have garnered a great amount of confidence and now know how to take a compliment. I get a lot of matches, which I didn’t think was a big deal until a close friend told me I was fortunate enough to be pretty because he rarely got a match. And I know I get a lot of matches because I’m also open to matching with people who are different from me, and I read their profiles, and I’d be lying if I said I’m not influenced by looks and have made choices based on them. But as much as I’ve passed on someone I did not find attractive, I’ve swiped left on guys who simply feel bland or shallow from what they write.

Anyway, I’ve taken very different approaches to dating apps, something new every time I go back to one which is every few months. Sometimes I pick pictures that paint me in a different light. Sometimes I’m very honest about who I am and what I’m looking for. It’s like a game and, well, I’m making the most out of every turn. Yet I always find myself catching the attention of the same type of guys: the ones who are genuinely nice and interesting and ghost you the next day; the ones who can’t stop telling you how handsome you are and will ignore any other part of your identity; the ones who are fun enough that end up becoming your online queer pals because you were never able to find a time to meet up, and texting becomes a habit. And there’s the type of guys I end up dating, too, which always seem to be opposites of how I seem to see myself. I also let dates and things play out with every new person I meet or date because, hey, it’s always great to enjoy the ride. But it’s like I’m only as good as a COSTCO free sampler, if you know what I mean. I’ll be fun and exciting and interesting until I’m not, and then it’s just drop it and go, and cycle on because, if there’s fellow queers reading this, you know how it is when every single guy around you has dated every other guy. Not the cutest feeling.

I don’t want to beat myself up, and I don’t want to be one of those “I don’t need a man” types, because even when I don’t, I’d love to share the man I am with someone who could potentially value that. If I’m tired of something, it’s simply being “the guy I’m dating” or “the boyfriend”. I don’t want to be a good looking guy who you made out with. I don’t want to be your online crush. It takes a lot of effort to be open and understanding of every person I date who is different from me, and then realizing they wouldn’t be able to do the same for me.

Please, drop me your knowledge and eye-openers! This is the most optimistic I’ve ever come out of a relationship, and I think that’s the healthy way to go, and am looking forward to start dating again once I’m ready!