So, I’ve noticed a pattern.

I find it a huge turnoff when a man is into me, emotionally. Like I might be really attracted to a man, but as soon as he says something to show interest (example, a dude I was texting on Bumble said he was looking forward to hanging out after quarantine) I don’t want to pursue it anymore. It sort of makes me feel like he’s less manly if he’s interested in me? I know that’s some toxic masculinity bullshit.

I find the same for sexual things. I am super turned off when a man is sexual. Like I might click really well with a guy and we’re just chatting, but as soon as it turns sexual (which it almost always does) I don’t want anything more to do with him. It makes me feel gross, even though telling a woman you’d like to kiss her isn’t inherently gross.

What the fuck is wrong with me?????

I want a relationship. At least I think I do. But my subconscious doesn’t, I guess. I wouldn’t consider myself an emotionally closed off person in general, which is why this is so confusing.

I’ve had sex and I enjoyed that but I didn’t want to cuddle afterwards and I basically wanted to leave as soon as possible after.

ETA: I’m okay with a man being sexual during sex. But I don’t like it in a conversation.

I feel like I should seek professional help. It’s so weird and it makes me feel like the worst asshole ever.