I’ll start off with a little information about myself. This will be a long post, but I want to tell the whole story as best I can. I am desperate for good advice.

I’m 28(m). I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life and I tend to get addicted to things easily and have a problem with obsessing over things. I’m not sure if I’m an aspie, because I normally don’t have any problems socializing with people and they tell me I’m normal, although I do tend to avoid social situations, especially crowded places. A few years ago I had a problem at work and I ended up quitting and falling into a severe depression. I would sleep 12+ hours a day, started smoking pot again (which I get extremely addicted to) and playing video games all day. It was my escape from the world, as I slowly spiraled into a dark, lonely and hopeless place, expending my savings and running up credit card debt to survive.

I’ve never been in a relationship, or a serious one for that matter. I’ve been on dates with many girls, but never a 2nd date. I have confidence issues and I guess I come across as a nice guy, trying too hard, etc. I definitely don’t hate women though, I know the issue is me. What’s weird is I am actually a really attractive guy and I notice girls admiring me everywhere I go, yet I’m too afraid to strike conversation. I’ve sort of built a wall and convinced myself that I will be alone forever.

So after contemplating suicide for many months, I decided to try and get my old job back and restore my life. I started working again about a year ago and got into trading stocks and for the first time in years I actually feel good about myself. I know if I keep working hard and saving, I’ll be able to buy a house in a couple years. I’m enjoying my hobbies again and taking care of myself. I love myself, I am ready to find a woman now.

I ended up joining Tinder back in January of this year, matched with this girl and we immediately hit it off. Conversation comes naturally and we have so much in common, but she lives in NYC and I live on Long Island and I think we both know this will be difficult. She’s also a bit older than me at 37, but neither of us have a problem with it. We talk almost every day, she tells me she’s just looking for a friend because she’s in a rough situation and not ready for a relationship. She tells me she thinks I’m a nice guy and that girls are crazy for not going for guys like me. She says she has chronic lyme disease and her life is currently a mess. She was in an abusive relationship with a guy who has a crack addiction(who was in jail until recently), he siphoned her savings because she’s selfless and tries to help people(like me) and now she’s living in a run-down apartment in Chinatown just trying to build her life up again. I really like this girl, but I can tell she’s just too much work and I start to give up on her. She seemed hopeless at this point so I stop talking to her and pursue other girls. She kept messaging me about once a week, but my responses were short and I eventually told her that I really didn’t think it would work between us. She said she understood and that she would leave me alone.

Fast forward to March and me being the nice guy I am, told her I think she should leave the city because I’m really worried about the Coronavirus and NYC will likely get hit hard, possibly chaos if the virus is really bad. She ends up moving to Texas for a while to stay with an old friend. We start talking again and she thanks me for warning her about the virus (this was a week or two before the lockdowns). She tells me she’s trying to better her life, might have a job opportunity in Texas, but doesn’t have a car. I offer to lend her money and she tells me that she couldn’t, that most people would take advantage, that I shouldn’t trust her.. but I really felt bad for her and I wanted to show her that I trust her, so I insist. I told her I really liked her and I wanted to give her a little boost to help her get her life in order, she can pay me back any time and that the foundation for relationships are trust and I wanted her to know I trust her. I figure the worst that can happen is she doesn’t pay me back and then I’ll know she wasn’t worth it. Her birthday comes in April and I tell her Happy Birthday and she freaks out… telling me I am the only one who remembered, not even her family (who she doesn’t talk to anymore). She finds a car that week and I lend her the money and from this point on I am committed to this person. We’re talking every day, she’s always sending me <3s in her messages and telling me how great I am, how she never thought she would find such a strong and honest man on Tinder, not looking for hookups, etc. I can tell it’s genuine, this girl has had a very troubled past and I feel like her hero. This goes on for a while and I can feel myself slowly falling for her. I really get the impression she has strong feelings for me too. We talk about everything.

So she tells me she’s coming back to NYC in May and we will meet for the first time. We end up meeting at my favorite park and spend the day hiking around and walking. It was lovely. She stares deep into my eyes when she talks to me, tells me how she feels so comfortable with me like we’ve known each other forever, she laughs at all my jokes, she asks me tons of questions about my life and seems to remember everything I’ve ever told her. This girl is smart. She’s making a lot of contact with me as well, bumping into me, touching me etc.. although I am nervous and scared to touch her. I give her a big hug at the end, she tells me she wants to do it again next weekend and we part our ways. This was the best first date I’ve ever had. I am ecstatic.

This is where things start to get confusing. She tells me her ex is now out of jail and he’s been harassing her, calling her all day, changing numbers after she blocks him. She calls me in the middle of the night crying, saying he tricked her into seeing him (because he owes her money). I told her I really want to knock this guys teeth out but she insists she doesn’t want to get me involved, that she’s just too nice and too weak and she can see the child in him and doesn’t want to hurt the guy. She said the guy told her she’s nothing without him, she needs him, generally twisted stuff. She then tells me she thinks she has borderline personality disorder and she was abused as a child and this is why she ends up with guys like this. She has very low self-worth. I comfort her and she thanked me. I’m a bit thrown off by this, but I have sympathy for her and tell myself I just need to show this girl what a great guy I am and she’ll come to me.

Over the next week I can tell this girl is acting differently. She seems really depressed and distant now. Taking longer to reply to my messages, no longer using <3s in them, etc. I call her and tell her that I think she needs to move out of the city away from this guy and she agrees, but she just needs a little time to save up some money and take care of a few things. She’s been doordashing like crazy, making more than I do actually. Says it’s an addiction and it helps her keep her mind off things. She says she’ll be able to pay me back and we make plans to meet at the beach the following week.

We meet at the beach this past week and when she shows up, she’s on the phone with her ex. She’s yelling at him, saying you’ll go back to jail if you don’t stop calling me and says IT’S OVER as she hangs up. She told me that he’s jealous because of me. I buy it. I mean it makes sense right? The guy is a piece of shit and I’m this great guy who lent her money without even meeting her and is helping her to better her life. So we end up having a great time at the beach. She pays me back the money I lent her and calms down and we spend a good 8 hours relaxing and talking. We rub each others backs and make a lot of contact. Lot’s of laughter, honestly one of the best days of my life. It really doesn’t seem like I’m getting friend-zoned so as we get back to our cars I tell her I really like her and want to kiss her. She says she thinks it should be a natural thing that happens and I agree, but I tell her she lives so far away and we can’t meet every day and if we kiss then I’ll know this isn’t just friendship and I will stop worrying. She gets up and grabs my face and gives me a short, but really passionate kiss, smiles and then we say goodnight.

Okay, so now I am in the clouds… I go to work the next day and it’s like I’m a new man. I am feeling things I’ve never felt before. Food has lost it’s taste and I feel like I am going to pass out. I text her, tell her how much fun I had and we should do it again and she doesn’t reply. I can’t sleep. I start messaging her about how I think she still has feelings for her ex. I told her it’s really unfair to me and that I’ve been nothing but honest with her and I feel like she doesn’t trust me. I kinda came across as needy I guess. Nothing. Part of me feels like I should back off, but the other part of me feels like I should try harder so that’s what I do. I keep messaging her and she eventually gets back to me and says she’s just been feeling really sick (because of chronic lyme disease) and I need to stop worrying so much. I tell her I’m sorry. We both have a problem of over-thinking things and letting our thoughts get the better of us. This is honestly one of the things I really like about this girl. We both seem to struggle with mental issues. She says I am her masculine and she is my feminine.

So I spent the last couple days thinking hard about everything. I get the impression that this girl has some serious trust and abandonment issues. I’m researching chronic lyme disease and from what I gather, it’s not a real diagnosis, but she assures me the pain she is feeling is real. I personally think it’s depression, because I know from experience that it can cause physical pain similar to what she describes. Join pains, muscle pains, weakness, fatigue, etc. She insists its lyme. It’s like when she’s in the city she is a different person, but when she’s with me she is calm, relaxed and much happier. I really feel like this girl loves me, but I’m not sure. I think she’s struggling between doing what’s right and what is easy and her ex is familiar to her and easy. I decided to tell her we needed to talk and that it’s very important. I told her I needed to get some things off my chest and I wanted her to listen and take it seriously and think about it. She called me this morning and this is what I said:

I started off by apologizing for coming across as needy lately, that I know she’s going through a lot and doesn’t need some guy badgering her when she needs to focus on herself and that I felt very selfish. Then I started to tell her how I feel about her. I told her I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, that I thought I knew what love was until I met her. I said I think she is an amazing person, who has had a really troubled life and is dealing with some serious problems (like me). This is when I began to get overwhelmed and started crying. I really poured my heart out to this girl. I told her she deserves better and that even if she doesn’t end up with me, she needs to find a guy who will treat her right. She said she feels bad, that I shouldn’t cry for her and that she’s told me she isn’t ready for a relationship and that isn’t going to change. That she needs to deal with her chronic lyme disease first and then figure out what she wants to do with her life, if she will move somewhere else, etc. I told her I had no intentions of falling for her, but the more I got to know her and realize she was just like me, I just couldn’t control it. I told her she will meet 3 different kinds of guys in her life. Those who don’t know what she’s going through and won’t be able to support her emotionally, those who do and will abuse her (her ex) and those who struggle as well and know how to deal with these issues (guys like me). I told her I will never judge her, she can tell me anything and that I will always be there for her, but that I am getting mixed feelings from her. She told me she’s thought about it, but just doesn’t know. She sounded very cold during the whole conversation. I told her I would give her space now and let her think for a while and if she ever needs somebody to talk to then I’ll be here and that was that. The last thing she said to me was “thank you” in a very sad voice.

Now I’m sitting here and I feel like empty. I’m not sure if I hurt this girl. I feel like I abandoned her and now she will think I’m just like the rest. I want to wait for her to come back to me, but I don’t know if I can. I can’t stop thinking about her.. I really need help. I don’t know what to do. Thank you to anyone who reads this!