Hey everyone. This post comes to you from a bad place so please be gentle, I’m struggling.

I’m just feeling so downtrodden lately. I’ve been single for a while now and I’m very much the sort of person who likes to spoil someone and make them feel special, so it’s been especially a struggle for me. My problem is that every time I develop feelings for somebody they go off me.

I have a 100% track record with this, it’s happened about 6 times this year. I think it’s my downfall that I develop feelings a bit too quickly, but I can’t help myself – when I know, I know. So I removed myself from tinder and decided to just put things at a standstill for now to get out of the game and stop myself from repeatedly falling and feeling pain, and then I accidentally met someone else in another forum and BAM, before I’ve realised it, I’ve got the feelings.

My general pattern is that things go well, they tell me that they really like me, almost like “where have you been all of my life”. I get close to them, share my personal feelings, we talk on the phone, have those special moments and I open myself up, and just as my heart begins to open and let them in they pull away. I can ALWAYS feel when this happens, and I call it immediately when it’s happening. So I try to step back, give them some space, it’s lockdown and things are difficult, right? But then they inevitably lose interest and stop talking to me. (This also happened before lockdown when I was going on dates with people, so it’s not just online dating). It is tremendously painful, and never gets easier. This doesn’t mean that there haven’t been a couple men who have been interested in me where I haven’t reciprocated their feelings though, but I’m not going to settle and date someone when I know that I’m not feeling the way that I should. That’s not fair on them. With me, there is no “see how it goes”. I know myself, and I know when I could have some real feelings with somebody.

Why is mutuality so hard to find? Why can’t I find someone who will put in as much effort as me? Someone who actually will show that they want me? Is it really just luck? People tell me that “it will happen” but I’m not so sure anymore, my faith has well and truly been damaged.

I just want to feel like I’m worth fighting for.