Edit: This post DOES NOT PROMOTE NEGGING.

My ex-boyfriend told me about ‘Negging’ (feel free to look it up), but that’s when you play on someone’s insecurities and manipulate them into liking you because they’re misled to seek your validation. This may work in some cases (such as women with low self-esteem or experience). Most men who neg are unnecessarily mean, which is both unethical and doesn’t work if you want a genuine relationship.

I’d say, try negging, but in a nicer way or ‘Nice Negging’. Here are things that actually work, based on my experience as an empathic woman.

Say nice things but keep it light– people like people who make them feel good about themselves. Also, make sure it seems honest– if you’ve just met them, you can’t be too impressed by their work ethic. Stick to stuff you can know: appearance, choice of drink etc. Give a few personalised compliments and have some banter, maintain eye contact when they’re talking, listen well. After a while of politeness, throw in a cheeky comment that will make them surprised at your boldness (shows confidence) and want to correct you to regain your approval. This will create chemistry and sexual tension and make them comfortable with you because it replicates how friends and family tease us.

Make your compliments personalised– don’t just say “you’re pretty”, say something meaningful, which has some context, and say it with purpose and confidence: “I’m sure you’ve heard this a plenty of times, but if you haven’t, I couldn’t help but let you know that you’re the most beautiful woman in the room”.

Don’t linger though, let there be comfortable pauses– give them the chance to initiate something after you have, so you’ll know they want to talk to you too. Notable relationship psychologist, Esther Perel said that “Desire is created in the space between two people, while intimacy is created by bridging the gap”. The way to maintain tension is to keep going back and forth.

Also, play into their masculinity/femininity, (based on your assessment of how they’re dressed, for example). But don’t be too obvious– do it through your actions and not just your words.

Be gentlemanly towards women (open doors, walk on the side of the road, help while walking with heels, warm their hands if cold, hold firmly and protectively), and for men, compliment the things they’re impressing you with (work ethic, gym routine), let them open doors for you, let them lead on the dance floor (if you want) and make a cheeky joke about how manly they are but only when you genuinely feel it. Most people can smell BS from far out. Don’t overdo it, be authentic with what you feel like doing and are comfortable with.

Basically, be playful and sweet 80% of the time but switch it up with something genuinely serious– this shows that you’re a fun person who also has depth. Talk to other people to show how social and easy-going you are, but never flirt with more than one person– that’s just douchebaggery.

Also, pair this up with honesty. Talk about one of your insecurities that shows that you’re human and confident about being vulnerable (such as how you also don’t like ____ about yourself on some days), but the key to vulnerability is to never seem too weak about it. Talk about your insecurity, but with self-awareness and always talk about what you’re doing to overcome it. Shows that you are ambitious and serious about growth, which is a desirable quality.

Flirting is about making the other person feel good by also making yourself look good, but in a way that they see you as a person of value that they would want to be with (whether for one night/dating). You’ll get attention when you’re genuine about your value– when you’re truly a valuable person. Tricks can only get you so far.

And also, relationships are about a genuine connection, which can only happen when their authentic personality meaningfully connects with yours. If you’re not too successful with someone, think of it as divine intervention– you just didn’t click and saved yourself weeks/months/years from an unhappy relationship.

Posted this as a comment on this sub-reddit but I thought it might be useful to more people.

Note: Negging is actually much more malicious and manipulative (read more on Google), so I’m NOT advocating for that at all. What I’m suggesting is more about ‘playful teasing’, about positivity and cheekiness.