Being Grey-Asexual has got me worried, and making heartbreaks a lot harder to fully move on from.

I went through a really messed break up from a abusive relationship with a narcissist in September. As of now I still have my moments and have obsessive thoughts, constantly having them pop in my head when I wish they wouldn’t. Quarantine sure made it much more difficult. I know I’m not ready for anything yet until I’m really moved on, but I don’t think the entire emotion will be gone either until I fall for someone new. The doubt and the wandering thoughts will linger until then.

The one thing I’m here to talk about is being Grey-ace / Grey asexual. I have a very hard time developing romantic or sexual attraction to people – however it doesn’t mean I think they’re unattractive. The best way I explained it in recent months was like this: a gay man can think a woman is very beautiful, but he is not the least bit attracted to her more than platonically. Now apply this motion this idea to most people I meet in the population. I do not choose who I am or am not attracted to. I just am.

Dating is exhausting for this reason. I don’t like hooking up and only enjoy sex when I’m with the person with – whatever it may be. I spent 2 and a half years during my university years, dating back to back with people until I met my first love. With my ex, it was almost instant. Within an hour of our date I was really into him. It was such a weird feeling. Then a few weeks pass by and suddenly I am overwhelmed because for the first time in 20 years (at the time) I truly liked someone and didn’t have a simple crush because they were cute. I was head over heels for this person, which made me all the more susceptible to the manipulation I went through. I clung onto it, even when I knew there wasn’t anything good for me left, when I was finally broken down to dust, I had let go.

Now we’re back to start. Single again, and terrified.

Two and a half years in the city of London. I have gone on so many dates, spoken to so many people, and just given up for the most part. I thought there was something truly wrong with me. I even questioned “am I someone with high standards?” But I couldn’t have been, because I didn’t even know what my type or standards were. Who or what I was looking for. I just knew that they just felt like a friend to me which eventually led me to breaking it off.

Now that I’m recovering from a bad heartbreak. I’m in the later stages and slowly getting myself ready to get out there again. Not expecting to find the man of my dreams, but I don’t want constant dead ends. Now, I know I’m not some defective person. I’m a grey sexual person, and I’m frustrated and scared.

I regularly worry thar I will never have that feeling again. When I was with my ex I used to get butterflies thinking of them. I want that. I want the guy who I end up with to make me excited to see him, to want to motivate me to be my best self. I don’t want to just settle because I don’t feel that feeling. It’s not fair to me or that person. Your partner in life should add that skip to your day.

I’m not here to say poor me, poor me. I’m just here to express I’m a little frustrated and a little terrified. I want to live a life with love, and I would hate to have to not. Who knows, maybe someone else will come forward and have a similar position.