So my boyfriend and I had a discussion over his lack of boundaries and lying to me about his hookups. Original post describing what he would do here
My boyfriend basically told me how he didn’t understand that stuff was considered “crossing boundaries” and he apologized. He cut those women out of his life and said he will never do it again, and this entire relationship has been a learning process for him because he’s never been in such a committed relationship before. I decided to give him one last chance to really work this out, as he finally realized that I was serious about leaving him if this behavior doesn’t stop. However there’s one thing I can’t stop thinking about: his parents.
So basically during our discussion, he told me how he went to his parents for advice on our situation. This is a pretty big deal, as he has a pretty poor connection to them and has never spoken to them about relationships before. They didn’t even know about his past, and before he spoke to them believed I was his first girlfriend. He explained our situation to them and I’m upset at their responses. He told me they called me (1) jealous, (2) ungrateful because of all the money he spends on me and does for me, and (3) his mother said that since we’ve had sex, there’s a connection between us and I’m less likely to leave.
I believe that it’s 2 things: either my bf did a poor job of explaining the situation to them and they don’t see the full picture, or they have no respect for me whatsoever. I was particularly appalled by their comment on money. At the beginning of our relationship I would spend hundreds buying his mother gifts for her birthday, holidays, random flowers, etc. because in-laws are very important to me. I make far less money than my bf and it was a very big sacrifice for me, not to mention that he is a man, I expect him to drive me around and pay for dates. But I’m also shocked by what they are teaching him. Do they not see this as an issue at all? Are they teaching him that you can do whatever you want as long as you are the breadwinner? Also, my parents are extremely accepting and supportive of my bf. They give him life advice, invite him to family events, but not a single time have I ever been to any of my bf family events except one Christmas party. His mother especially seems unaccepting of me. She speaks Spanish and a little bit of English so I understand language barrier being an issue, but when I would meet her she says little more than respond superficially to my questions of how was her day etc. and doesn’t make an effort to get to know me. However my mom speaks mostly Russian but she still makes an effort to only speak English around my bf so he doesn’t feel excluded and tries to initiate conversation with him all the time. I am trying to learn Spanish to better connect with his family but I just feel so disrespected by what they said regarding our situation.
(A bit of background: his mom is a housewife and his dad is the breadwinner, so they are probably used to this dynamic of the man doing what he wants while the woman obediently listens. From the stories I hear, his mom has little say in the household and always just listens to the father. However I made it clear to my bf that while I am ok with being a housewife, that is not the dynamic I will accept in my family, if anything I am used to the woman having a greater say over children/family situations.)
I made this clear to my boyfriend and he says he understands and disagrees with what they said, and he admitted he could of done a better job explaining the situation from my perspective. But I still can’t get over what they said and I think about it every day. I hate myself for spending so much money and effort on his mother who called me jealous and ungrateful, and then expected me to stay committed to her son since we had sex while making no comments on his casual hookups with two other women. What the hell? It’s ok for him to not view sex as sacred but I have to? What do I do to stop thinking about what they said? I lost absolutely all respect for his parents and hate how they are raising his son to view relationships, and I hate how disrespectful they are to me. I don’t know what to do.
I really love my boyfriend and I want this to work. He seems like he’s trying to change his ways and I don’t want some outside factor like his parents to ruin our relationship and progress we can make. How do I get over his parents?
Tl;dr – My boyfriends parents called me jealous and ungrateful after he told them I was upset at him for lying to me about his hookups and not setting boundaries with his female friends. How do I stop thinking about them?
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