Dating as a male sexual abuse survivor

Thought I [M32] would share some perspective. IDK why. Maybe someone will find this interesting.

Abuse occurred around age 10-11. When I was about 17, I had a vivid nightmare of my abuser laughing at me and saying “no one will ever love you until you fix yourself, which you never will”. I spent a long time trying to prove that memory wrong, but relationships would always fizzled out.

I only had one relationship that seemed like it would last & I fully opened up- she was very supportive and loving; eventually, my insecurity and weakness proved to be too much so she ended things. I don’t blame her. Nothing kills attraction for a woman like a man being weak.

I found it increasingly difficult to open up; experience taught me over and over that all attachments are fickle and showing my vulnerability to women sounds good to them in theory but in reality, it always makes their attraction to me evaporate on a subconscious level outside of their control. Once I made peace with the fact I would never find love, I had lots of casual sex and flings.

I moved up in management and ended up leading a complex network of supply sites abroad. I had 87 people working for me from different nationalities. Knowing I didn’t & wouldn’t ever matter to anyone made me a very empathetic and compassionate leader. I mentored, coached & promoted many people up through the organization. I did anything I could to add value to my employees’ lives. When I left, I had four going away parties thrown for me (two from different unions my employees worked under, one from regional HQ & one from my entire branch). My employees truly loved me as a boss and I literally had grown-men crying and embracing me….

My employer promoted me up into a position that’s located in the US in a college town that looks exactly like my undergrad campus— a place where I first worked though my abuse. I never thought “triggers” were that big of a thing until I arrived here. Now, I’ve relapsed to a 20 year old version of myself & am in a never ending fight-or-flight mental hell. I’m stiff, anxious and no where near the confident successful leader I spent a decade building myself into.

I’m quitting my job and torching my career. I don’t care anymore. Also, I’ve had zero genuine human interactions since arriving here. It’s like relapsing back to the loneliness of being a weak boy who wears his unattractive weakness on his sleeve.

I feel like I’ve come too far to fall back to this… but here it is. In the end, human attachments are remarkably unremarkable and my experiences have taught me what the near future will be like. It’s just all so disappointing how there’s no poetry in life. Fuck all of this.. but it is what it is.