Hi dating reddit. I'm a 20m student, and I've never had an intimate romantic relationship. I have chronic nerve pain which is an issue that affects almost every part of my life, especially dating and intimacy.
I first had nerve pain when I was 14 years old. I had a testicular injury, and unfortunately almost all the women I associated with knew about this. People would frequently bring up my balls casually in school or at parties. Some people would bring it up out of a genuine care for me, but I felt most people just thought it was funny to talk about my "big nuts." I kindly asked people not to bring this up, but to no avail. I had to learn to take these comments in stride and with humor. I became know as the dude with messed up nuts.
This experience in high school had a negative affect on my self esteem. I felt helpless and unwanted. I guard my pain as a secret now that I'm in college. Only people I'm very close with know, which is the way it should be.
I've been trying to date more now that I'm in college. I'm still struggling with my self esteem, but I'm working on it. My biggest issue is feeling like no woman wants to be with a man who has messed up balls. I agree with the sentiment "when the right person comes along, they will love you despite your issues," but that doesn't make finding that person easier for me.
I have a deep desire to connect with a woman on an intimate level. I know a relationship alone won't make me happy. I'm try my best to be as happy as possible by myself, with the support of my friends and family.
I've been trying to better myself everyday. I do this for myself and not for a relationship. I'm just struggling because I can't ignore the part of me that wants a deeper connection with a woman, and to have a family eventually.
One experience that I had during quarantine reaffirmed my feeling of being unwanted because of my injury. I started talking to a woman from my church who I have been acquainted with for about a year. We both attend the same university, but she lives in a different state.
We would FaceTime a couple times a week, and we showed mutual signs of affection that suggested that she might be into me. One day, after two months of enjoying each others virtual company, she told me that she was suffering from depression, and I told her that we could talk about it if she wanted too. I opened up to her about my chronic pain, and she told me about her mental health issues.
Things almost immediately changed between us after this. She told me that it didn't change how she thought of me, but her behavior afterwards suggests otherwise. Our communication became gradually less frequent, until it was close to none at all. I know that this might not be because of my balls or me even, but the fact that it occurred this way hurt.
It felt good being there for her and to open up to her about what I go through. I would do the same again, even if she told me that she wasn't interested in anything romantic between us.
It felt like the right time to open up to her. It's just frustrating because it feels like my balls might have had something to do with what happened after.
I know any woman who rejects me just because of my issue isn't right for me, but I associate opening up about my pain with rejection. Pain is a fact of my life that I have accepted, but I'm struggling to find the right way to open up about it. Pain isn't the only reason I get rejected, but it sucks that it shapes the way people think of me.
When is the right time to open up about an issue such as chronic pain? Is there even such thing as the right time?
Any advice would be appreciated. I've been talking to a therapist about these issues, but I wanted to hear from you guys too.
submitted by /u/ChronicTestipain
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