What's up people!
More than a question, this post serves to see if anyone can actually relate to this, as I feel I haven't heard this from anyone before…
Background: I'm a 27M that is all about positivity. I consider that I've led a nice life until now – everything but romantic love. During a part of my teenage years, I was kind of a loner, and during that time I've learned a lot of skills (writting music/recording, creative writting, design, concentration, etc). When I became 17 and entered uni, I became a lot more social – especially because I wanted to get a girlfriend! I'm proud to say I've accumulated a lot of friends over the years and I've always tried to be a truly positive force around them. I love helping people, so that truly makes me happy!
But, alas, my love life has been kind of a mess from the start…
I've had various romantic encounters. Some were one or two-night stands, some eventually became relationships. At the start, since I was very inexperienced, I messed up a bit. My biggest desire back then was losing my virginity with a girl that I loved. That was a big stress factor, since the ones that I loved seemed to be reluctant to have sex, and the more promiscuous ones that wanted to didn't appeal to me very much. I ended up having my first time with a "friend with benefits", and that worked for a little while.
Then I started getting this desire to really build a lasting relationship and leave aside all these "affairs". I met my last ex-gf on Tinder, and that lasted 3 years. The reason it lasted so long was because, despite it being a very sick relationship – where she was never happy with herself and constantly dragged down all my positivity – was because in the back of my mind, I was trying to pull all the stops to "make it work". I really loved this girl from the bottom of my heart… And then the virus came, and I was a month away from her (she was infected in lockdown). When I finally came to see her after being "safe" again, she starts welling up and saying she "had made a mistake and there was no going back".
She had cheated on me the previous day.
I instantly shut all my emotions. We had a brief talk, and I calmly explained to her that we could not see each other again (she made that difficult, through trying to call me all the time and even stalking me, asking for a second chance).
This event was the catalyst for a far bigger change in my life. At the time, I was already unhappy with my job and the place where I lived in (rent was about to get doubled), so a couple of days after the breakup I decided to quit my job and go back to living with my parents with my hometown. I just seemed like the world was coming down on me, and this was the only exit. I said to myself "There's nothing else here for me, and I sure as hell won't care about getting in another relationship for a while."
Then, the day before I left town, I had dinner with my cousin and a couple of his friends. I really hit it off with one girl there, but because I was leaving next day, I didn't make much of it. One month after, I have dinner with those people again, and it just becomes painfully obvious (not only to me and the girl, but to everyone around) that we are very much interested in each other – talking with each other for long periods of time, becoming physically very close, the works. I wanted to be with her alone, but it was impossible when we were all in one room and had nowhere left to go. I casually got her number and we started texting the day after.
That night, I had the realization that yes, I wanted to fall in love again – despite the recent past – and I wanted to make it work with this girl, despite she living 1 hour from me.
We were really having fun texting, but a couple of days ago she "ghosted" me. Now, I'm not one for assuming things – anything could have happened, and I plan on sending her a message by tomorrow night if I don't hear anything back.
Right now I'm really messed up inside. On one hand, the prospect of trying to be with her motivated me to get really fit, concentrate on my health, be more adventurous (which I have some trouble with) and overrall just doing my best. On the other hand, it feels like my teenage years all over again, being really insecure about my love ever being corresponded.
And this is the question for you comes: did you ever feel that in all your relationships, you were never "loved"?
I might be making this sound more serious than it really is, but I just feel that in all my relationships, it was I who always loved the other person, and they just "abused" of my goodwill at some point. I genuinely wanted to share my passions in life with other person, but most of the time it makes them feel diminished in some way (even when I downplay my achievements), and I end up closing inside myself – instead of opening myself with them, like I always wanted.
And at the end of the day, I've never heard a "I love you" from any of my past relationships. Only now that I'm writing it, I realize how sad that is…
It's times like these when I feel that all I've achieved in life is worthless without sharing with someone you really care about.
I know, people fuck up, I fucked up, my exes fucked up. But look. It's getting harder and harder for me whenever I fall in love, it shakes me up emotionally in a very violent way.
Maybe it's solely my fault, maybe I've chosen the wrong partners… Hell, it could have been anything. But one thing I'm sure of: I want to make it right. I have an astounding amount of love to give, but I don't want to repeatedly fall in the same trap again.
As you've guessed if you made this far, this is more a rant than anything else, but the main objective was knowing if there are people out there who ever had the same feeling of loving, but not being loved, over and over again in relationships. I would love to hear some of your stories!
Much love to all!
submitted by /u/WorldsBiggestBet
[link] [comments]
