Background: I (22m) As a kid I was constantly bullied, self isolated until I moved away at 16 and made my first friends. Everyone I got close to ended up hurting me except for my best friend. I have major trust issues that I am trying to work on. Just before the pandemic I went out and met a waitress (32f)at a bar and we hit it off. We've been talking on the phone since, and she's always sweet, understanding, and patient. I've been doing my best to do the same. She has a son, who is at risk and she can't see me because she's afraid of what would happen if she carried the virus over to him. She's having a rough time with things, the bar she worked at shut down. She's taken advantage of online college being offered due to the pandemic. She started a work-from-home job. This hasn't been enough to get her by. When she talked to me about what was going on I offered to help. She refused it at first but eventually had to borrow money, and I've loaned her $600 at this point. She recently found out her grandfather has cancer and has been heartbroken over it. I've been doing my best to be there for her and support her. She made a trip to visit her family. After she got back, she started having days where she's hardly talking to me, which I understand, she's got a full plate. The night that bothered me was when she hadn't talked to me the entire day or night before. She told me that she had needed a break and visited a friend to stay in with and watch movies. I've been cheated on twice before. Both times something similar happened. Everything was fine, they blow me off for a day, and I find out that they cheated, but I put this aside. I chose to trust her, she needs time with a friend because of what she's going through, and she said this girl friend had been quarantined the entire time and was safe, while my job (security) makes me a risk. Her bar opened back up, and she's working again. I ask to see her now since she has to be around people anyways. She says between work and class she doesn't have time. I offer to visit her at the bar and she responds with "Do not." After a minute she explains that the bar is under strict rules, there's no contact allowed, she wouldn't be able to spend time with me, etc. I give her the benefit of the doubt and carry on. I've been having my own issues. I want to be comforted too. When we talk it's usually just about what's going on with her. I don't want to bother her with my petty shit, and she doesn't really ask about me either. We haven't been talking much because of her job. I ask her when I might be able to see her. She doesn't know, her classes need to be done two months from now and there's two more that she needs to get done after that, on top of work. I feel like I'm being led on. I do my best to be an adult, and bring up everything that's been bugging me, how it makes me feel and why I feel that way. She responds that she's just overwhelmed and dealing with so much. This ended with her telling me "Not every girl is trying to hurt you, some are just trying not to drown." I felt really ashamed of myself after that. Now, she's having problems at work. Won't tell me what. She's flaked on making phone calls, her responses have become minimal and dismissive. I can't get her to talk which is really bugging me because she's always been really open. After a couple nights of little conversation I leave her alone. If she wants to talk she could start. Three days later I hadn't heard from her. I told my friend everything. He told me I should leave her. I felt really upset. I impulsively went through and deleted her off of social media and my phone. Immediately regretted this, messaged her again, told her that I'm hurting and I want her. She was angry. I tried to explain a bit of how I've been feeling and why I deleted her. She told me that I'm being ridiculous, it's only been two days and she's not doing this. She would have told me if there was a problem between us and what I did comes off as manipulative. She's mad that I didn't talk to her. I tried to explain why things were bugging me, why I had such trust issues and how other people have done me. She said she isn't them, if I don't try to do better than this I'm always going to get hurt. I apologize. I don't mean to be like this, and I told her that. I told her I'd be here if she wanted to talk, and that I'd understand if she didn't. She didn't respond to that. I had to go to sleep to work tonight. She just said goodnight. Is it wrong for me to be losing trust in her? Is any of this suspicious or am I overthinking/paranoid? She's told me I'm important and a priority, but it doesn't seem like it.
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