Exhausted.

I'm really posting this to have a good venting session for myself, but if anyone wants to read go ahead. A lot of this is going to sound petty and insecure. Roast me in the comments.

First off I recognize I am the textbook definition of anxious attachment. I fall too hard too fast for someone and end up over-analyzing everything they say/do. Every time I start dating someone they become the perfect person and all the "lessons" I have learned from previous failed relationships I forget. There isn't a whole lot of talk here about anxiety when dating, maybe others are having the same issues.

After coming back to the dating scene from an almost 3 year relationship, I'm fucking tired and not used to these texting games anymore. I don't understand waiting for hours to reply to someone just to appear as if you're busy or trying not to come off as needy. Maybe I'm just used to having constant contact with the person I'm seeing. Maybe I am so insecure with myself I rely on the attention of another person to be happy.

Either way I am fucking tired. I'm tired of being told I don't need to be constantly texting/talking to the person I am dating, and then being told if I wasn't doing that they would think I'm losing interest. I am tired of feeling like shit when they don't respond for hours but watch my Instagram stories or open my Snapchats. I'm tired of waiting by my phone all day and wondering why in 2020 you can't get back to me, especially when we are spending every weekend together and not leaving my bed for hours. I'm tired of pausing my hobbies so I can make sure I am free to see someone when they are free. I am tired of feeling like I am more into them than they are into me and sulking into this deep depression if I don't hear from them all day.

Most of all, I am tired of myself. I'm self-aware enough to understand this is just a ME problem; it's anxiety and a need for seeking approval that stems from past experiences and probably my childhood. Yeah, I get that. I'm not a red flag I'm like a walking neon red sign. But it's who I am and no matter how much I "work on myself" I can't get past having this constant need for attention that I feel is warranted when dating. If I'm THIS into someone, I want to talk to them all the time and see them all the time. Why aren't they reciprocating if they feel the same?

Exhausted. Emotionally and mentally I'm drained and at the same time I can't stop.