Ghosted again, doesn’t get better.

Last year plus a few days I turned 30. I was ghosted on my birthday. Three days later I shattered all the bones in my ankle biking to see a friend, Lin.

A girl I went on two bad dates with picked me up from the hospital, Ino. She picked me up from my surgery a few days later and bought me groceries. I didn't expect to see Ino ever again before she did this. It was very kind. I screamed for two days straight from the pain, doing flutter kicks trying to keep my leg elevated until I had no more energy. I passed out screaming. I dreamt I was screaming and woke up a couple hours later to scream some more. I'm glad my neighbors didn't call the cops because I could not have gotten to the door.

I ran out of water. I asked Lin if she could get me some, she lives close to me. She said "maybe tomorrow, I just put something in the oven". She never visited during the entire episode. I didn't see her for 10 months. I crawled to my bathtub and drank from the faucet, not realizing it was moldy. I got sick.

A boss, Kri, visited from work eventually and made fun of me for having to move around the house in my computer chair. I was still peeing in bottles. Kri and I spent a lot of time together the next several months – she drove me around and visited often trying to make me feel less isolated. She had a coworker bring over an AC unit because my house gets unbearably hot in the summer.

Two weeks after surgery I came down with a fever and a full body rash. I thought I had sepsis. A coworker, Jam, took me to the ER. I was checked in the hospital and spent 3-days there, living with a roommate who pooped himself and talked all the time – I didn't get to sleep at all. I had to spread an antibacterial cream on my entire body twice a day. I had to cover myself in sticky goo, it was like being covered in neosporin. I wasnt allowed to bathe the old cream off before putting on a new layer – my ankle wounds were still open. My skin didn't absorb it. It was gross.

My fracture was bad – really bad. To date it's been almost a year and it still hurts. I still can't run. My ankle is so skinny when my ankle broke, the only place for swelling to occur was between my dermis and epidermis (different layers of skin). 60% of my ankle was a giant blister, at the deepest level of my outer skin layer. That skin layer was taken off during surgery. My entire ankle was an open wound. I have large pink scars to date – it still looks like I have no skin. It's scar tissue – its itchy. My skin doesnt breathe.

In February, I finished 7 months of physical therapy. Not long after, I realized that my boss Kri and coworker Jam had been conspiring against me behind my back. A system I helped invent 8 years ago is funded in the hundreds-of-millions of dollars and is going to change history. They kicked me off the program. They spread rumors about me. They called me negative, pessimistic, close-minded, abrasive, worries about everything, enjoys getting angry.

In December, I met a girl Zai. She adored me. Absolutely adored me. She'd quote back things I'd said to her. She watched my favorite movies, listened to my favorite music, read my favorite books. I've been through a lot of trauma. I didn't trust her.

In February Zai picked me up from my second surgery. She bought me a balloon, groceries, came and visited. Not long after she came over and we cooked together. I fell in love with her. We were never official.

I last saw her in April. She works a lot – nothing new. I was patient with her. We seemed to have a deep connection.

In early May I woke up one morning and it hit me like a brick. She hadn't responded to my "I miss you texts". Only the "how are you doing" texts. It wasn't uncommon for her not to reply to everything – she worked long hours. I liked to leave her messages and she said she was okay with it before.

So, I texted her I cared. Is there anything I can do for you? She said she cared too. Maybe just in a different way now. I'm really busy. I hope youre okay with being just friends. I'll call and visit as soon as I can. This was in early May.

It's now June. Two weeks ago I followed up and said I was still interested in seeing her. She said yes, let's plan for next Monday or Tuesday. I said I was free. She never followed up. I never saw her. She never apologized.

I sent an accommodating text a couple days later. I really admired her. I knew she was busy. It's been painful not seeing her. The state of the world is dark, I didn't know how she was doing. I wasn't sure if I should wait. That was last week. I haven't heard back.

I spent 4 months alone at home with my broken ankle. I've been alone at home in quarantine for three months. Kri and Jam have ousted me from the career I've spent 10 years on. My ankle still hurts. I can't exercise, beyond mild bike rides. I fell in love with a girl and didn't even get the chance to assert myself – "no, I'm not interested in being just friends" – because I was expecting a phone call that never came. I thought I'd see her again. I thought I'd say those things. I thought I'd understand why she was leaving. I thought we'd actually be friends. I thought, since we were still only friends on paper, there wouldn't be this dramatic change.

I'm about to turn 31, alone again.

I was raised by my parents as "fucking shithead kid". I'm glad I walked away from that. Ino is mad at me – she says I'm pathetic for crying over a girl who clearly isnt interested in me. I have no more friends. Lin talks to me again now – she didnt help me when I was incapacitated last year.

I posted my story about getting ghosted and shattering my ankle last year. People told me it would get better. I've heard this a lot in my life. It hasn't. In fact, I'm so shattered by society. I can't trust anyone. I'm entirely alone. I miss Zai, I loved her. She's gone. I didn't date for a long time – I loved my career. It was my dream job. It's all I wanted to do. It's over. It's over in a way that makes me not trust the future – how can you just kick an expert off a program?

Why did she leave? Was she actually thinking of seeing me last week, or did she just want to plan something for the sole purpose of flaking out? Trying to make me realize she's not interested in ever seeing me again. Without actually having to say it.

My love runs deeper. I'm a fool. She adored me once. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I value myself for having love. I'm too alone. I don't think there is a way out of this. I have no leverage. I have too many bad memories – can't trust anyone. It doesn't seem to just "get better". Hobbies are just escapism. Many "actions" are just false actions – lies to tell myself I'm still functional without actually progressing the bottom line. I'm in therapy – it's too slow. I started medication – it doesnt seem to work. I want to escape my toxic job – I wont have medical insurance. It's a pandemic – not many people are hiring. Im so sad. I'm so defeated. I'm lucky to have had my dream job and a part in changing history. It wasn't enough. I don't have any more hopes, dreams, or goals. Ive gotten through a lot. I may have gotten through worse. I dont see myself getting out of this one.