So long story short I come from a pretty unhappy and unhealthy background. I felt like a huge loser growing up. My mom was out of the picture and my dad just sucked. I had severe low self esteem.
I have over the years been building myself up to be the person I want to be. Right now I'm 29 and I make good money, I'm a solid 7 in the looks department, I have hobbies and goals and I'm pretty funny. I have also dedicated a lot of time reading about developing healthy self esteem, mindfulness and just a good outlook on life.
The one thing I keep running into is that anytime I go long term with anyone, I always get into it with chaotic women.
The woman I'm seeing now is married(getting ready to leave) bipolar, history of controlling parents and abusive/narcissistic partners. has a severe alcohol and weed problem. We have been friends for a year but hooked up at the start of quarantine. It went real quick from fuck buddies to "in love" We were on this huge passion filled, drunk, super sexual roller coaster. I always knew she wasnt the one, but I'm obsessed(normally I am distant). Now we are in a situation where she confesses shes in love with me and then a few days later withdraws back and says that I'm too much for her.(unfair but whatever). But she still wants to date me and have sex but I feel so uncomfortable now. After the high, the low is just awful. Even if now is "normal".
The last woman was completely in love with me. She would pay for everything. Bought me probably close to 7000 dollars worth of stuff between a drumset, electronics, gifts and dinner. She was literally addicted to me. To the point where sex was uncomfortable because I felt that no one should like anyone as much as me.
Other girls basically fall under the same pattern of either mentally unstable, sketchy, substance abusers. Just pure dysfunction.
It is really starting to weigh on me emotionally and I'm at the point where I dont even want to date anymore. I'm tired of having casual sex, but any partner I find is just a chaotic mess. I dont know if I feel inadequate with a "good woman" or not.
Has anyone gone from something similar to mine to something reasonably healthy?
Tl;dr Always end up in toxic relationships and need insight or inspiration that things can be okay.
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