Heartbreak…

I have issues and was so incapable of just having no contact for 9 months now. My heart was broken and I cared so much. I tried to say with my actions that I still loved him and wanted him and sent him letters and left gifts on his car at work and I know now my action should have been to give him the space he needed. I would sporadically text him and all and sometimes he would respond and I feel bad because all he wanted was space. We broke up mainly because of trust issues, I will fully admit I hurt him by snap chatting a fling and because my words are still actions I essentially cheated. After that first break up we got back together and I went to college. But the pressure was so heavy on him that we broke up over text 9 months ago and I haven’t talked to him in person yet. I’ve come a long way from being that hurtful person and have gone through every single stage of the breakup from self love to withdrawal to literally repeating it over and over again. I haven’t dated anyone since and I still hope to maybe see some sort of future with us. I’d even be happy to ever see him again. We both still love each other, and he says that maybe in a few years if we run into each other and I hold the qualities in someone he’d be interested again maybe we don’t have to be no contact. He doesn’t want to be friends now and I get that. It’s hard to watch the person you love experience life without you…it’s easier to just block them and not see it and he’s told me that’s exactly why he’s done it and it’s helping his healing process. Anyway he has literally always responded when I text him in a crisis and he is just way too good to me even when he’s hurtful. After breaking up that second time he hated me for a long long time. Many rumors circulated and all but only recently he has told me he finally has stopped hating me. We were each other’s first loves, and I swear we can both feel the connection even so long apart. We’ve both been intimate with others but even so far past the pain, the care is still mutual. Perhaps some minds are better kept apart, but at what point is there some sort of deeper connection neither of you can fully escape?