Im not sure if I’m asking for advice, venting, or just wanting to see if there are others in the same boat.
For context, I’ve been raped by men I’d trusted that I’ve dated in the past (and yes, I made myself clear each time that I didn’t want it, told him to stop, struggled, and told him it was hurting – none of this was effective). I’ve also been in an abusive relationship with a man that would call me a little b*tch and hit me.
Each time, I was completely head over heels for the man and would gaslight myself into telling myself that they were perfect and that I was at fault.
But now that I look back, I can see all the red flags I missed and am appalled that I didn’t see them before. And the problem is that now I can’t trust my own judgement with men. I’ve been talking to a guy recently but even though everything seems good, I can’t help but feel so paranoid and wonder if he had bad intentions. He invited me over to his place and all I can think is that I’m scared he’s just going to try to have sex with me even though he assured me he wasn’t looking for a hookup. I’m scared that I’ll mess things up with every guy because I’ll be paranoid and awkward and distant whenever he tries to get close and I don’t know what to do anymore 🙁
Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? If so, how did things go for you? Were you able to make things better and have a good relationship despite your fears? How did you get over your fears?
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