This has been a problem of mine for the past few years. For reference, I am 25F and live in a major US city, I am extremely athletic (think 6 pack from biking, boxing, running) and thin and 5'6", so generically pretty by society's standards (which I hate saying but it's true).
I have been single for going on 5 years now and I can count on one hand the number of first dates I've been on in that time. I am very outgoing and always out meeting people and I am not shy around parties or bars with strangers. Even then, I haven't met anyone I really click with or could meet my standards for a guy who is respectful, and that I find attractive (I don't care about that 6ft height requirement nonsense – just kind with a good job and cute bearded face is all I ask) I do have a dating app match queue that's consistently 50+ guys matched (which I just started using this past year because my friends said it's now "the only way to meet guys our age" which I STRONGLY disagree with but I feel like I have to play that game now). I also want to say that guys my age move way too fast and are too soon to meet (where do you find the time???) but also refuse to commit to only dating me monogamously (see more below) Even just the mental barrier for me to agree to go on a date with someone is a TON of work for me. But, the show and life must go on….
The problem is, and this happens even when I DON'T go on dates – just the mere thought of meeting up with a stranger for the purpose of romance can set me off – is that the closer and closer to the time of the date or prospect of going on a date, I start to fucking lose it. I really try to work through it but as I'm picking my outfit I always start to feel sick… almost nauseous and need to sit down. The thought of going on the date…. something about thinking of sitting there with a new stranger brings me to tears I cannot stop. I'll be blow drying my hair with tears flowing down my face. I can't do my makeup until the last minute because I feel like I can't breathe and I've been crying for at least an hour at that point and drinking water so I don't pass out.
I DON'T KNOW HOW SOMEONE LIKE ME WHO IS SO COMFORTABLE IN CROWDS OF PEOPLE AND STRANGERS WITH MY MIND, BODY, OPINIONS, CAREER, AND EMOTIONS CAN ACT LIKE THIS WHEN IT COMES TO DATING???? My friends are amazed at my ability to walk up to anyone in a bar or party where I know nobody and ask how they're doing. And the thought of going on dates with men my age makes me feel like I have the FLU???
This has been going on for so long… for half a decade… I do end up going on some good dates and I can hold my own on the date, but the build-up is what absolutely kills me. It's not out of fear or anxiety… I don't feel unsafe and I NEVER meet up with men who I haven't spent a lot of time (weeks to months) talking with online beforehand, and I ALWAYS go to a public place. I have seen therapists about this and it all comes out just the same…. talking about it I just sob uncontrollably because I don't know where this sadness is coming from so I don't know how to work through it.
My past relationships in college and immediately after were all long term (1-3+ years) and strongly monogamous. All three were men who were kind and friends to me and took their time to know me before I asked them on dates. I never had a worry initiating dates with them. Since graduating the only men I've ever met that I have liked are the ones that end up telling me they have been cheating on their girlfriend with me and are leaving me to go back to her (this has happened THREE TIMES) and one guy was a dream to me for months until I let him sleep with me and he physically hit me and refused to answer his phone after that, then saying after months and fucking once and leaving BRUISES on me that we "don't have chemistry." These have undoubtedly been very traumatic experiences from the dating world but I am confident that I have so much capacity to love and really want to. I am worried that my near breakdowns before dates come from a lot of poor experiences and sometimes it feels like I'm walking into a war I cannot win. The dates I have gone on and felt the most myself are the ones where I am kind but guarded, but naturally, guys have found me uninteresting after that and it fizzles out on their end. Like if I'm so fun on paper, why am I not as fun around them? Excuse me for taking my time, I had to face every single one of my demons on my way to see you but I am having a good time with you now on this date despite that.
Has anyone ever felt this way before??? I've never met anyone who feels so horribly depressed about going on dates. When my friends say they're "excited" to go on dates I am at a loss for words. I've never been excited to go on a date with a stranger in my life. I've only ever been extremely depressed. I'm ready to try anything that I feel is safe for my mental health to help me get through this. I can still go on dates but this depressive plague I face is really wearing me down, I can't go on five more years single and upset like this as my own worst enemy. I would love any tips you have from the silly to the serious to get my mind off of this depression and fear and hurt and anxiety I have when it comes to going on a date with a random stranger.
And I guess it's not for nothing if you're still reading this, that if you're on a date with someone who is moving slow, will not sleep with you on the third date, might be nervous, or is genuinely a bit quirky but kind – like me – please stick by them and communicate your needs rather than writing them off. You never know how fucking hard it was for them to choose you in the first place and they're still hoping for love, and willing to listen, the same as you.
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