TLDR: Haven’t been able to date or have normal romantic interactions with men since I left an abusive relationship two years ago (POTENTIAL TRIGGERS).
Hey everyone! Hope you’re all doing well.
I’ve been in one relationship so far (well, unless you count my middle school boyfriend who came out in senior year lol). My first real relationship began when I was 16 and in a rough spot with my family. My mother was abusive and living in my home felt like walking on egg shells all day. My boyfriend at the time was extremely depressed and had anxiety, which I understood greatly. But he used it to garner sympathy, never received help (if he did, it lasted for one visit), very pessimistic, communication issues, would take out his anger on me etc. eventually, the relationship became emotionally and verbally abusive, slightly physically and also sexually abusive. He was very manipulative and would coerce me into having sex, make me feel bad for crying about my family troubles, would force me to have sex while I’d be crying, would make fun of my body, continue to “play fight” with me even though I’d say it hurt, etc. Anyhow, the relationship ended right around the 3 year mark in 2018, 2 years ago. Shortly afterwards he started dating his coworker, who I had slight suspicions about but didn’t think much of in the past. I was friendly with her too, as I used to work with the both of them. The last few months of our relationship, my ex became extremely distant and only really used me for sex. He would constantly brush off plans and not tell me about plans he was making, and that girl would be included in them. My ex was also my first kiss, sex, etc so i went on a huge rebound right after, especially when I heard who he was dating and very possibly cheated on me with. I slept with three different guys, two of which later on made fun of my body. I hooked up with guys a few times after that, but honestly only when I’m very drunk. When I was rebounding, I felt forced to hookup every time I hung out with a guy. Not their fault, of course, but I feel like it’s expected of me. I also barely enjoyed the encounters, my medication makes it hard for me to.. well, nut.. anyways so lol. But the whole time I’d just spend worrying about how I looked, if he was judging my body, my experience, etc. Now.. for like the past year, I’ve met no guy that had really greatly interested me. I’ve had guys hit me up wanting to go on actual dates and I’ll just ignore it. I’m beyond scared of physical let it even emotionally connecting to a guy again if it’s even remotely romantic. I’m just so afraid to be treated like I was in the past, and I’m scared that I will always be attracted to men like my ex because of the abusive environment I grew up in. I know this is no excuse to just give up on love and dating, but it’s as if I see dating as a sort of trap now. I’ve always been scared to say no and am a people pleaser.. am getting better at self advocating, but still. And I know there’s no rush to jump back in, but idk. What do you guys think?
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