Nobody has ever acted like I mean anything to them and it has just made me apathetic towards everything in my life. I legitimately can not think of anything that I can say that I care deeply about anymore. I don’t care if I lose my job, I don’t care if I ever get my degree anymore, I don’t care about any of my old hobbies so I just sleep when I get home most nights.
I feel no motivation to better myself anymore. I’ve lost 80 pounds, I have consistently held a job and I save my money, I have a car, I have decent clothes, people generally like me and I feel like I am charismatic, but I’ve come to realize that none of this has mattered and I still am not worthy of being respected or loved by anyone else. I have done all this work and what has it gotten me? I’m tired of trying and trying and trying to be worth something and in the end my efforts had been worth nothing.
My family does not love me, my own mom and sister have both referred to me to my face as a 2/10, the only reason I am talked to is when they know I’ve been paid and they want me to buy something. I’ve never had any friends that stick around or feel like they care about me, no girl wants me and I don’t even blame them anymore. I understand that women deserve somebody in a better mental state than I am in. That doesn’t make me feel any better about the situation though, it just reinforces this feeling that I will never achieve whatever it is I need to do to be worth somebody’s time.
It is so hard to understate how little I care about anything, genuinely I don’t know how to describe how I feel. I’ve tried to grapple with dealing with my life having no meaning to anyone for so long and it’s just made me numb to almost everything. I hate being alive, when I used to think about dying it scared me. I think mostly because of the fact that I don’t know what’s on the other side, but I even feel apathetic about that now. I’m not worried about what’s happened afterwards, I just know that it can’t be worse than waking up every day to this bullshit. I have a therapist and we’ve been talking about it but I don’t even feel like it’s worth fixing at this point. A therapist can’t make me attractive, they can’t make me worth someone’s time or energy. It just feels like I’m dragging things along and I’m tired of doing it.
submitted by /u/crucifieddegenerate
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