I don’t catch feelings easily and have never dated someone that I had feels for, but I also am beginning to wonder if I subconsciously only date people I don’t have those feelings for because I don’t think I’m loveable in that way. Gay male.

TL;DR: I have never dated a guy when I have had feelings and he had them back. Feelings very rarely happens for me, despite the fact that I've met some really great guys that I wanted to explore things with and keep chatting, namely the guy in this post below. I'm wondering if it's because I haven't confronted something internally yet or if it's really that I haven't met the right person for those feelings to occur.

Setting the stage. Gay man, 25, unusually low sex drive. I'm in a place and time where I'm content being single. I have a great fledgeling career started, and I feel whole as a person. I'm living in a city where I don't imagine myself being in the long run, and through the normal venues of bars, apps, etc. I've yet to run in to someone that I feel that I am interested in pursuing. So I usually don't bother, but I truly feel that is something felt right I wouldn't hesitate to pursue it.

A few days ago, I ended up talking to a dude in another city, and the convo was – in his word which I found perfect – "reassuring.' We discussed life, it's lessons, our philosophies, our histories, our passions, and just really connected in a very genuine way. I'm lucky to have really close platonic friends that I share life with in that way so I didn't immediately think "let's pursue this with romantic overtones" and operated under "let's keep chatting and see what happens."

In my singledom, I've had the occasional friend with benefits, like 2 in three years. And the the occasional fling. I could count all the encounters in the past three years on my hands, and dated sparsely. But all of these people I've gone in with "he's a good guy on paper, and we connect and that's cool, let's see what happens." I've never had feelings for any of them and don't really ever worry about catching them.

So anyways this dude and I ended up talking about how we view the dating process, and how he mentally walls off friend and dating/relationship/sexuality, and since I didn't seem to be invested in pursuing him romantically yet, it caused him discomfort because he did feel that.

Now I don't want to have sex with my platonic friends, but in my mind I can make a new friend and have a sexual aspect with them as well, and that can be a part of the exploratory process that may or may not lead to something deeper. But it hasn't to date. In his mind that is a waste of time and effort, he has had those feelings and if both people aren't there it means it's not a thing to keep exploring. He wanted to pursue things romantically but I hadn't even gone down that trail mentally yet and it kind of took me by surprise. So that convo ended with deciding not to talk to get to know each other anymore, which I respected because I wasn't where he was and he respected for the same.

Long story short I eventually realized through this convo that I've never actually dated someone that I had "feelings" for. Even my ex partner of a year and a half, he was fantastic on paper and I loved him, but I was never actually "in love" with him and I knew that. I tried to make those feelings happen because he was fantastic. Thought that it could grow. It didn't and I broke his heart when I ended things with him. It sucked.

So now I'm wondering if I'm subconsciously preventing myself from seeing feelings, or if I'm not pursuing people I AM interested in, and if that is because I believe that people cant love me in that way and so I don't even consider it? Or if it truly is just because I haven't met someone who I have those kinds of feelings for?

I wonder if I'm broken, if I have something to confront that I haven't yet, or if I just really haven't met the right person in the right time to experience that with… There have been passing crushes but always with preventative external conditions (he's exploring something with a friend, and I wouldn't cross that line, doesn't live close, etc.)

I'm unsure of where I lie in a way that I am really not used to at all. I hope someone has some perspective or experience to share. Looking for someone to help untangle.