This is a long story but I just wanted to rant about my love life. My last relationship really left me damaged. I had always thought my last ex was the one who really understood me but that wasn’t the case. When we met on social media she took interest in me but I was shy & timid I always doubted myself & I usually ghosted on her (leave her on read) & pushed her away because of my insecurities & my fear of her losing interest in me. She kept checking up on me & kept expressing her interest in me. That’s when I started to realize she may be the one so in a few months I started to have feelings for her & we became official .
I ended falling in love with after she expressed her love for me but then shortly after a few months into the relationship the real shit happens.
The insecurities & the trust issues & all that stuff. She had some kind of trust issues but I understood why (because of her past relationships) & especially since we were long distance. She didn’t like that I was being too friendly with girls on social media & I was always on social media. On my part I was wrong because I shouldn’t have been doing that out of respect for her but in doing so she didn’t feel like I was respecting her (unintentionally without knowing I have been disrespecting her). I always attracted attention from other women unintentionally. She always told me how social media would be the down fall of our relationship. She wanted me to delete my fb because she didn’t trust me that I gave her a lot of red flags to her. She made me choose between social media or our relationship. I showed hesitation (but because I had a lot of stuff I saved on fb like posts & stuff & they were really important) she didn’t wanna hear it so she took it as me choosing social media over her. We broke up & then we got back cause I ended up deleting it.
Social media wasn’t the only problem in our relationship. I had a lot of insecurities about my mental being. We would get into a lot of arguments (mostly about how I come at her & me trying to apologize to her that I didn’t mean to come at her the wrong way) sometimes I have the wrong choice of words & fuck things up that ends up in arguments. I tend to be get stubborn too & I always fail to resolve our conflicts that she always had to be the one to fix it. She also hated how sensitive I was. I am a very sensitive & timid guy & tend to get in my feelings a lot. I got anxiety as well so sometimes I would like reassurance from her. She hated that I need reassurance but it feels nice to know she still cares not because I was being selfish but because I needed to know as to what she loves about me knowing I’m not the type of man the average woman wants. We were really different in terms of expressing about each others feelings. She doesn’t express her feelings about me as much as I express mines to her. She’s this tough type of woman.
She always wanted me to become emotionally strong & be a man but I struggle to do so. I don’t think you can’t force yourself not to be emotionally sensitive. To her I failed to be the kind of a man she wanted me to be in the relationship.
I made some mistakes during the relationship such as (hiding the fact that I had an instagram when I deleted my fb & she never knew about it & in turn I broke her trust when she found out about it) but I was always loyal & I tried to convince her I wasn’t hiding anything) She assumed I cheated on her & there was no way of me convincing her that I didn’t. There was no saving our relationship this time because of that mistake we broke up officially but we continued to be friends becauseshe insisted we were better off as friends than being in a relationship together but at first I didn’t like the idea of being her friend as I just wanted to be her man but instead I ended accepting it (in my hopes to get back together when I get my shit together) but we still argued about things as friends because I always tell her how devastating it would be if she met someone else so she ended the friendship with me. I was a burden to her despite all the things I did for her but I understood why. We just couldn’t get along & we were both stubborn people. It was toxic & I felt toxic.
She made me realize a lot of things about myself especially the negative sides of myself. Unfortunately the bad outweighed the good. The fact that I thought this girl despite my issues she would be there for me through thick & thin as she would always say to me. People can only take so much that things change. She left telling me “no girl will wanna deal with your shit & I’m the only one that could. No girl is gonna want you”. That really left me depressed & stuck it with me till this day. It’s been 3 years.
I also I wanted to add that I helped her & supported her financially (spent like 6k on her) so she could get back on her feet because I didn’t want to see her struggle & she had a son that I was willing to be a father to him as well. She would always appreciate me for doing what I did for her, but the fact that she left me despite all I invested in her left me broken bad mentally & emotionally. If I met her whn I was already rock bottom her leaving me left me 10x times worse. I suffer with low self esteem, depression, anxiety & other emotional problems. l regret ever making the decision to get into a relationship with her especially investing in money. What’s even more sad is the things she used to tell me when she expressed her appreciation to me for helping her that she would help me relocate & settle down with her when she gets her own place. I was really looking forward to it & become commited to her.
3 years later I’m still damaged. Lately I’ve been trying to date & see other people but I really don’t have the energy to talk to anyone no matter how much I wanted to get into a relationship. I thought I was ready for a relationship but apparently not because I always self sabotage myself that would make the person I’m talking to lose interest in me. I’m starting to give up on dating & love all together. Me being as a hopeless romantic not being able to find love really leaves me hopeless.
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