I feel like I’ve never chosen a partner and have settled for whoever is into me. I have never felt intimate with any of my partners and its starting to affect me.

I feel that I have never “chosen” a partner or hookup and instead I accept and settle for whatever opportunity is presented to me. All of my sexual experiences have come from one night stands or short flings with people I have met the first night I sleep with them, with all of them coming onto me with little effort on my part. There has never been an emotional connection or history between us. I have yet to sleep with a friend I’ve had a crush on. I’ve been rejected by every woman I’ve showed interest in or taken on dates. No “chase” has ever led to anything. All of the sex I’ve had seemed to fall into my lap with no effort.

I have never turned down a woman who has been into me because I want to get more experience at sex and I want the confidence boost and validation. This is why I say I’ve never chosen someone and only have taken whats been presented to me. Sure, its really fun that night and I have never necessarily felt its been a bad decision, but I don’t believe I’ve ever had “good sex”. I wondered for a while why I never felt satisfied after the night, and I’ve come to realize its because I want intimacy, an emotional connection, and trust between them and I, something I’ve yet to experience.

I’ve never felt intimacy or a connection to any partner. A few of them I have barely been attracted to. Others have had repulsive personalities. Most of them ghost me the next day and I never see or hear from them again. Two of them I’ve seen afterwards and they completely ignored me or don’t remember who I am. This feels terrible and makes me feel worthless, like somethings wrong with me and I’m not special at all. When I think about all the one night stands, they were shallow and emotionless.

The only people I’ve seen more than once I came to hate due to their personality and I break it off. But, all of them were really into me and I feel awful about killing it because I didn’t want to hurt them. I just want to be with someone who I like and wants me. I also want to finally be with someone who I’ve wanted and had a crush on. I hate that I’ve either blown all my chances or have chased and chased women who don’t want me.

I’m a 21 year old guy and I know I’ll have a lot of experiences and women in my future, but I just want my sexual experiences to change. These disappointing sexual experiences are killing me and I’ve never had what I’ve wanted. Hopefully it will change soon for the better and I’ll have intimacy, good sex, and a partner who betters me, but I’m slowly becoming disillusioned to that dream. I’m scared I’m only going to be with women I don’t like. What if I never have a partner I want and just settle being with the first girl who is into me? This keeps me up at nights sometimes, like right now lol. I had to get this rant down and share it or else I couldn’t sleep.

Have any of you felt like this? Anyone have advice?