I (18F) am scared of getting into a relationship. Growing up, my parents constantly fought (father has a binge drinking problem and has had a history of “talking” to other women online), my sister had an on/off toxic relationship with a druggie (who she has a kid with and luckily the baby daddy is clean for the most part now) and is currently separated from her husband and seeing another guy, my brother had many relationship problems until he eventually came out as gay (he’s happily married now luckily), and I just never really had a relationship with my dad. He’d always be passed out on the couch, he’d show up to a good amount of special events drunk… he legit drunk drove me home on the way back from a dance class when I was younger, and he almost drove me home drunk while trying to pick me up from carpool in front of my friend last year (my friend drove me home). The times he is sober it is just awkward… he has a narcissistic personality to top it off, so that doesn’t help any. He’s nice, but when he’s mad (which is half of the time) makes EVERYTHING about him and must ALWAYS be right. I just have so much resentment towards him to the point where I don’t really want a relationship anymore. Bottom line, I never really learned what a good relationship was supposed to look or be like. The only “good” relationship I’ve had is with my mom to be honest. Even though I’m confident in how I look, I have HORRIBLE self esteem issues… you know what I mean?? I easily get insecure about my personality and whether or not someone is in my league, which is obviously a toxic mindset, but it’s hard to snap out of it. Getting close with a boy terrifies me; I really like the idea of a relationship, but when I see a guy that I am attracted to, I am terrified of showing interest, such as a quick smile or even a flirty glance. My anxiety kicks in and does not want to make my thoughts a reality. Even though my confidence has improved over time, I still don’t know how to overcome it.
This was probably a waste of time, but it frustrates me that I’ve never officially dated anyone; the boys I’ve gotten close to becoming a thing with ended up being… not so good (one dropped me for another girl WHO HAD A BOYFRIEND, one just wanted to sleep with me, and I dropped the other one because I had a gut feeling he was a player, which turned out to be true).
I’m tired of being closed off and just want a mfn kiss bro. Thanks for taking the time to read this :/
submitted by /u/talltori2
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