I purposefully sabotage good things that come into my life.

I dated a guy back in December/January. We never had the “exclusive” talk but we’d been seeing each other in total for about 6 weeks. Our work schedules were a bit conflicting, we had weekends off together but i have a child that i share custody with, so every other week i wasn’t available (he never met my son, i haven’t introduced anybody to my child. I understand that we could have seen each other more if they’d met, but i wanted to be absolutely sure before i brought anyone into my kids life). So we really only saw each other twice a month. He’d come over and we’d go out, he’d stay the night and we’d spend most of the next morning together. That’s it. I’m also kind of “active”. I work out 4/5 nights a week and do enjoy being outside. This guy was a gamer guy. So he enjoyed spending his time playing game and stuff like that. I’ve never dated anyone who played video games, like honestly ever. Everyone I’ve dated has been some what into sports or being outside or something like that. There’s nothing wrong with his choice in hobbies, he wasn’t a hermit. We’d go out to bars and he’d have time with his friends too, so he isn’t some recluse gamer type. Over all that relationship was really great, he was a by the book gentleman, had a career he loved, and wasn’t turned off by me having a kid (we’re both in our late 20’s so that’s kind of a big thing!). But i broke up with him because “i didn’t feel the right chemistry and we don’t see each other as often as I’d like and our lifestyles aren’t compatible”. He was sad but took it well, we haven’t really been in contact since.

I started fooling around with someone in march. This guy goes to my gym, we’ve been training together for 2 years so we’ve already had some kind of relationship with each other, but it’s always been more “professional” than intimate. Well, long story that i don’t particularly want to delve into made short, we ended up sleeping with each other on and off for the last 8 weeks. This relationship with this guy wasn’t healthy, wasn’t easy, and left me feeling anxious constantly. This isn’t something that any normal person would choose, the circumstances aren’t ones that a happy, long lasting, and healthy relationship could ever be built on. Yet i have this guy more than 1 chance to be in my life KNOWING it was wrong.

Sleeping with second guy made me realize that i push away healthy relationships and make room for chaotic energy in my life. I hate that. Reflecting on the first guy, there’s NOTHING wrong with him having his own hobbies that are different than mine. I really liked that guy. Like, wouldn’t even let my friends make fun of us (in the friendly way friends do when you like someone), i felt happy with him and comfortable. We had a lot in common, down to our hangover cures haha. He actually reached out on Snapchat the other day and we’ve been snapping and playing games since then, nothing serious just fun back and forth. But it’s making me sad realizing that i push positive things in my life away from me. Like i feel undeserving of being happy for some reason. How can i stop being scared of healthy commitment? I never really had a “healthy” relationship to look up to growing up, so when i get treated well and there’s no dramatics involved, i don’t really know how to act or accept it. I logically know that i deserve to be treated well and be happy, but once it starts happening it’s like i freeze up and run away. I want to break that cycle, but i don’t know how.