I’m in my 30s and have never had a gf. I finally had sex earlier this year and it’s starting to feel like a foreign event that will never happen again

I think I’ve mentally compensated for being such a late bloomer by having a really negative reaction to sex. It’s not so bad to be a huge late bloomer if sex is meh anyway, right? It’s a weird thing to try to convince myself to be okay with. I feel like if sex is the central part of life we often make it out to be, I must be deficient in some way for taking so long to discover it. I must be inadequate in some way. Or maybe it really is meh to me. Maybe I’m a little bit gray asexual. That could explain a lot. Or maybe it really is meh in general. Maybe there’s historically been a lot of pressure to reproduce and that’s simply a lot of what this comes down to.

It would make me feel better if it’s one of the latter two obviously. I’ve spent a long time beating myself up about this. You could argue that all my anxiety and depression over my lack of intimacy and sex is a major thing that has caused it not to happen for so long. Maybe that’s what makes me inadequate.

I’m also a pretty paranoid person. I’m a worrier. I used to imagine about all kinds of perceived defects that made me unacceptable as a sexual partner. I used to thing my anatomy was different or weird (it’s not). I used to think I look really weird (I don’t). I still wonder if I’m socially deficient in some way, if I’m maybe a little high functioning on the spectrum. Maybe I’ve just been worrying myself into not approaching people because I feel inadequate.

Maybe there’s some truth to all of this. But if not having sex makes me feel inadequate, apparently it matters to me. I guess I need to find out whether it matters to me for the right reasons or not. Figure out if I truly desire sex and intimacy or if society is making me feel inadequate over it. How much of each. I’ve always been a pretty flexible person. I could see myself enjoying having a family and kids. I can also see myself enjoying doing my own thing. It’s one of those things that you have to choose one way or the other and I imagine I’ll probably always wonder what things would’ve been like on the other path once I can’t turn back. And I’ll probably regret my path, whatever it is, from time to time. That’s just how some things are.

I have fantasized about sex for a long time. I thought it was something that I wanted. I feel let down. Maybe I just haven’t had good sex yet. I’m on sertraline right now, maybe that’s affecting how well I enjoyed it. Maybe I’ve watched too much porn over time and it’s just not a big deal anymore. I suppose I’ll need to try it out again at some point to rule some of these things out. I guess we’ll see if I can achieve that.

Maybe life would be a lot more easy going if sex wasn’t a part of it though.