In my opinion the key to a good relationship is “settling”

I think a lot of us have gotten into this loop of thinking, if this person doesn’t do xxx then they aren’t right for me.

For example, with my partner, at first, I would think things like “well he doesn’t say sweet things like ‘I like you’ or ‘i miss you’ so maybe he isn’t right for me.” I’m someone who likes to say those things, he’s someone that’s really embarrassed with that unless I’m the one saying it first.

I would take the experiences of other people and what I knew about dating and apply them to him, who is an entirely different person. “He is usually late, he doesn’t respect my time (reddit rhetoric) he isn’t the one for me.” Or “he doesn’t text me in the morning, maybe he isn’t right for me.”

All of these things had good excuses. He is extremely busy. He works 12 hour days, maybe has one day off a week if he’s lucky. He cooks, so he almost always had his hands in some kind of food. He starts at 11 AM, but he usually gets off late and sleeps around 2-3AM. He sleeps so deeply he can barely wake up for his alarm. And yet he usually finds some time for me. Even for 10 minutes coming over to give me a hug and see me before going home to sleep. Or coming over to JUST sleep and cuddle. I knew these excuses, but that rhetoric stuck in my head. I thought sometimes, still, “what if this isn’t right? He doesn’t do those things, is he right for me? Someone right for me would do those things right?”

Then I watched a video by a married couple. They were saying, I don’t like hearing that we are goals. That “if I can’t have what y’all have then I don’t want it” etc. they said their relationship is FAR from perfect, but they decided that despite differences they decided to be loyal to this person. And that, every person is different, at first they don’t know what things you think of when you think of your ideal relationship. If there are basic things like respect, love, concern for one another, and both are functioning adults, you can make your relationship into the ideal.

So I think a big problem in dating, for me as well, is wondering over small things, is this person not right for me? Is there someone better out there? Someone that can love me the way I want?

It helped me realize all the good things about my relationship, and how dangerous it is to have in your mind how many options are out there in the world.