It feels like things are never going to get better

I (21m) can’t cope with the fact that nobody wants me and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to. People have told me my entire life that things will eventually get better and that somebody would eventually want to be with me. It’s just not true, it doesn’t matter what I do or how hard I try it’s just never enough. I have a car, I’ve lost over 80 pounds, I’ve been able to maintain a job, I’m going to college, I have okay clothes, I’m good socially and I feel like I’m good at making friends, and despite these things I am still not good enough.

I try to be self aware, I thought to myself “it must be my personality that’s a turn off”. So I asked some people I know that I trust to be honest with me if there’s something I’m doing that I’m not noticing that would make myself not attractive. “You’re a great guy” “you’re a really sweet soul”.

I just don’t understand, it makes me feel so disgustingly ugly. People always tell me I’m wrong and that I’m really not as ugly as I say I am, but then you have people like my mom and my sister who describe me as a 2/10. Nobody wants me and if it’s not my personality then it has to be that I am ugly. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without it ruining my day, I can’t stand myself and I just don’t even want to think about it.

I have worked so hard for so long to be good enough and I’m at the point where I don’t even want to anymore. It feels unobtainable at this point, I have busted my ass trying so hard to figure out what I can do so that one day I can make myself worthy of someone else’s time and commitment. I don’t even want to leave the bed anymore, what’s the point of finishing my degree, what’s the point in continuing to work, what’s the point in putting in any effort anymore when I know that anytime that I have accomplished a big goal of mine that nothing has changed. It doesn’t matter how hard I work; I will always have nobody to come home to, nobody to share my achievements with, nobody to spend the holidays with, nobody who wants to share their life with me.

It feels like I have nothing to look forward to in my life. I’ve been trying to fix this and I have a therapist but it hasn’t changed the hopelessness. I don’t care about the future anymore, it feels like I’m just going to keep going until i just can’t anymore. I don’t blame women for not wanting to be with me, I’m not entitled to be loved or wanted. However it doesn’t make it hurt any less to know that I’m not worth it