Learning about my attachment style has changed a lot for me.

I started talking to my therapist about my attachment style after I went through a heartbreak. Since my first real heartbreak happened at the age of 25, I didn’t really know that there was such thing as attachment styles in relationships. Anyways, turns out that I have anxious attachment.

If you don’t know anything about attachment styles, here’s a little overview:

• Secure: the healthiest form of attachment – you can easily show love and affection and don’t let small things bother you or affect your relationship. You support your partner and communicate effectively. If you’re in this group, I salute you.
• Avoidant: you care more about your independence than any relationship. It’s uncomfortable for you to be intimate (both physically and mentally) with your partner. You set strict boundaries and are usually distant.
• Anxious: you want to always be close to your partner. You worry that your partner may lose interest in your so you do your best to keep the relationship alive. You’re very sensitive and let your partner’s actions affect you significantly. You try to make them jealous. But when the other person shows you the love you need, you become more at ease.

We form these attachments at a young age and a lot of the influence comes from our parents (or your caregiver). Also, we all have a combination of all of the attachment styles but one more than the other two.

Being anxiously attached has been draining for me, both mentally and physically. It was super unhealthy when I started seeing the person and later got my heart broken and I did lots of things that I am not proud of today, which is why I decided to work on becoming more securely attached. I know it’s going to take me a while to learn but I am determined to do this for my own well being.

Learning about my attachment style has changed my views on relationships of all kinds. I highly suggest that you sit down and understand your own attachment style so that you can have a more healthy relationship, both with yourself and your partner.

PS: A really good read about attachment styles that I started recently is “Attached” by Amir Levine.

PS: in the book they say that being dependent on your partner is not a bad thing and I agree. A lot of us are so obsessed with the idea of being independent that we find codependency to be a bad thing. It’s not when it’s done right. The healthiest relationships are those where the two parties can depend on each other, show each other support, and give each other the confidence and courage to do things independently.

Take care.