Long term, exclusive without a label…what even is this

Hey, in dire need of some help with a situation I got myself into lately.

I just got out of a marriage with a narcissist (let’s call him Dumbo) last year, and found someone a couple months later to chat with (let’s call him Curls). I gave him the “classy chats only” y’all, since my heart was smashed and I needed time to find who I was again. (Honestly, that marriage ended two years earlier…I just held on until there wasn’t a shred of hope left and Dumbo went to go live with another girl he found). Curly is a bit older, but nonetheless enjoyed spending time with me and also came with a lot of good advice regarding healing from toxic relationships. He was a giver like me, had been through something similar, and found me incredible and wanted to help in any way he could. We kept it kosher for a bit, took our time getting to know each other until it was obvious we found each other amazing and things proceeded more or less organically from there. We introduced each other to our respective families, and When COVID-19 happened we even made a pact to isolate and see no one else so we could still have movie dates and cuddles and the like together, despite living apart.

Here’s where things get complicated.

I come from (and live right down the road from) my church-going, conservative family. And by conservative, I mean that my parents believe no sex before marriage – to the point where, when I was living with them, I was only allowed to spend time with my then-dumbo-fiancé if I also had one other person in the room to act as chaperone and make sure no hanky-panky happened. Taking it further, they also believe part of the reason why my marriage with dumbass (and my first bf before that) ended was because I ruined the beginnings of the relationship by having sex with him before marriage, escalating too fast to see the warning signs. The truth was that the first had severe problems and I cut it off before I lost myself…and with my marriage, well, his excuse was that I was “too sweet and innocent”…and he went after a more street-savvy chick.

Whatever. here’s the rub.

My love languages listed by priority are physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gifts. I NEED to show the person I love that they mean the world to me, via my languages listed above. But I grew up in a conservative family. And I am also picky when it comes to compromising my own childhood morals for the sake of what I would categorize as a ‘want’.

So I’ve met a compromise in my love life… I typically wait until after month #1 of seeing eachother before sleeping with them. I don’t jump right in, I get to know them first…but with softer feelings of investment and commitment come the other obligatory feelings that coincide with my first love language. And I’m the type who is in it for the long haul, from the moment I commit.

So to sum up:

1. I come from a family that doesn’t believe in sex before marriage. I also believed the same…not now.

2. I had sex with all three of the men I have had in my life

3. With exception of this current relationship, the others have all been long term and long distance (4+ years)

And boy, did Curly and I hit it off. We text and call each other every day multiple times, he sleeps over every night and we get in hardcore cuddles. And this might be TMI, but before him I never climaxed from intercourse. With him it’s multiple times, every time.

We don’t crowd each other’s ability to grow. We support each other’s endeavours. We talk about what we want from the future, and that we want to be there for each other. He wants me in his life for the long haul. Has asked me a couple times if I would be scared off from marriage because of my past experience. I told him no, that as much as I don’t believe in my parents’ idea of marriage, that I 100% believe in declaring publicly via a certificate that I am completely invested in someone and don’t want anybody else. I’m hardcore monogamous in that sense, and I’ve been told by both my previous partners that when it comes to loyalty, I’m the best they’ve had and they never have problems of that sort with me.

So I am spending lots of time with curly. But my parents who live down the road don’t know we are sleeping together. And Curly was abused a bit in previous relationships…a couple times he was the guy on the side waiting for the women to stop keeping him a secret and be open about him. So the last thing I want is for him to be a secret, and he hates that feeling of being the one kept under the table so to speak

My parents like him, but they are growing suspicious of he and I – and he is a big family guy and doesn’t want to anger them. So he left at 4 am his morning to get stuff done and because my mother stopping by around 9:30 last night to “say hi” threw him off, made him feel like he was sneaking around with me.

And I felt my cage and he froze and felt like a secret again.

I used to lie, then got that issue fixed with hellfire and willpower a few years ago. So I have always been upfront with him on how my family works – and how I do not believe what my family believes.

I have to believe things will be ok. But I am having an anxiety attack reminiscent of abandonment and rejection issues I sustained from my marriage with dumbo, and I don’t know how to stop it. I trust him, but I feel locked up and stuck and it’s driving me batshit

I will choose him every time, but he puts family first like me and he doesn’t want to upset them in any way

That means I

1. Cannot stay like this, it is killing him and I to hide from my parents

2. Cannot tell my parents because then he will feel like the rift that drove my parents apart and he doesn’t want to do that

3. Cannot, will not let go of the wonderful, mind blowingly amazing, hubby-esque man I had drop into my life

My current scheme: move further away from parents so that they are less clingy or suspicious until they’ve remember I am 28 and can do my own thing

Somehow get Curly to respond to my messages

For the love of all that’s fluffy…..Help. I need advice.