Looking for Help With Increasing my Attractiveness

Hello Reddit. This is a throwaway account because I’m extremely embarrassed about what I’m about to post.

My(M27) issue is, whenever I find a woman I really like, I always push them away by being too clingy, controlling or overbearing due to desperation.

A woman will be into me at first, but then something will happen, such as her not replying to my messages or calls, and I will become worried and bombard them with text messages or call them frantically and ask them what I’m doing wrong so I can improve. This works in every aspect of my life except dating, since a lot of the time, women are afraid of how men will react (and understandably so). Out of all the women I’ve been interested in, only around 2 have given me constructive criticism.

FYI I’m a short black dude in case that has any significance.

In my most recent example, I met someone(F30) that showed qualities that I really like. This is extremely rare for me. When I spoke, she listened. She always smiled. Physically attractive. She spoke Chinese, which I loved, as I’m learning the language. She was also very feminine and supportive, which I didn’t realize that I liked this trait until I met this woman.

When I first asked her to be my girlfriend, she gave the excuse that she was too old. At first I told her that I didn’t care about her age thinking I needed to reassure her; a lot of my Chinese friends wouldn’t want to date a woman who is that old. But after I went back home, I realized that maybe it was her way of saying no.

It hurt a lot. I’ve dated a lot of women and I get turned down a lot when I go to social gatherings, dance clubs, and places where people met. It doesn’t really affect me much when it happens there. But when I meet someone I like a lot and I get turned down, it hurts like hell.

I continued being friends with this woman for about 2 years or so while seeing others. None of the other women I saw were interesting. Eventually, she began to warm up to me. But she never put effort into wanting to see me. It was completely one-sided.

Just two days ago, she stopped answering my calls and texts. I’m in a lot of emotional pain. I wish I was more attractive…

Some info about me:

I’m currently a software developer making around 90k. My hobbies include coding, dancing, motorcycles, video games, and Chinese.

I went to the gym before the COVID epidemic began, but I’ve gained around 20 pounds of fat since March due to staying inside. I’m currently dieting to cut my fat and I do bodyweight exercises every other day. I haven’t been sleeping well this year due to work.

I’ve been told that I’m too shy and I don’t stand up for myself. I’ve also been told that I’m too aggressive when I get upset.

My confidence in dating is definitely low, and I believe that success is the only thing that will increase it, as this has been true in other aspects of my life such as work, making friends, and mastering different skills.

Some improvements I’m working on:

• Assertiveness. I have an issue of going from shy straight to aggressive when I’m disrespected.
• Decisiveness. I hesitate a LOT when I’m with other people even with the simplest of decisions. I’m afraid that my mistakes will hurt others. I never hesitate when I’m alone.
• Speaking in groups. I don’t speak that much in group discussions/outings out of fear. A few women have commented negatively about this and some have left me because of it. My opinions were always dismissed as a kid.
• Sleep. I don’t get a lot of sleep so I can be irritable. I have a plan for this and I’m confident it will improve given a half a year or so.
• Self-worth. I’m not sure what to do here but I know it needs to be higher. It’s never been high.

I’m afraid I will go through life not being in a LTR with someone I am attracted to that is also attracted to me. Please help me become a better person reddit…