Hello everyone, I’ve never posted here before, but in spite of recent events I just really need to tell somebody what is happening to me. I apologize for the length as this is no short story… I haven’t told anyone this as I’m not sure how to begin, or who to talk to… so here goes: 2 years ago I met this girl online, we clicked instantly and began hanging out as she is in my city. We became best friends rather quickly. We did all the things friends would do, with some added benefits. As much as I was getting along with this girl, there was a huge cultural difference between us. She’s oriental while I’m middle eastern, not only would I be heavily discouraged from dating outside my ethnicity, but I also feel personally more attracted to my own ethnicity. I have made sure to let her know of this. Then came the day when she hit me with the “what are we?” This is long after we’ve had our discussion that I have no intentions of dating her. I apparently triggered a red flag when I reminded her that we are initially friends with benefits causing her to lash out, claiming her life was no longer worth living if she can’t be with me romantically, how she lost all hope and will to live, how she has nothing to live for anymore, that if she can’t date me she can’t date anyone ever again. At first I thought she was joking, or in the very least, being overly dramatic about these suicidal tendencies as most girls of this age could often be. I thought to myself “she’s 19, she’s old enough to make mature decisions.” It was around this time when she started sending me casual suicidal Snapchats. One example would be a picture of a bottle of pills in her hand with the caption reading “I wonder how many I need to take to die”. The emotional stress this has one someone is almost impossible to put into words. It wears down someones soul so quickly and violently… One day she stopped answering my texts and wasn’t picking up my calls. Unable to reach her, I spent 4 days in anxiety trying to understand what had happened. It wasn’t impossible that she was giving me the silent treatment, as this kind of behavior was not far at all from her. On the 4th day her friend gave me a call saying she is in the hospital recovering from a failed suicide attempt… and that was the second that changed my life. I just remember not being able to respond back to her friend. As if I was in a dream, I wasn’t able to speak. I visited her in the psychiatric ward- she was under a bunch of drugs I couldn’t even have a meaningful conversation with her. She was so drugged out she stared at a single dot on the ground for the entire 2 hours I was there. It was hard for me to see her in that state. But a lot of things had been hard at that point. Fast forward to when she gets out of the ward and resumes her “normal” life. At this point, I felt as though I was compelled to stay in that relationship out of guilt that if I left, and her next attempt was successful, I was going to bare that pain on my shoulders for the rest of my life. With this in mind, I told her that I will not stay in a relationship where my decisions trigger suicidal tendencies. I told her how traumatic it is for someone to be threatened with suicide- to willingly put the heavy burden of another human life onto someone else’s shoulders simply because you didn’t get what you want is the most selfish and narcissistic trait and quality anyone can ever possess. It is easily one of the most psychologically traumatizing events anyone could ever experience. 4 weeks ago, for the first time in 2 years, I walked away from one of the most toxic relationships I’ve ever encountered. Realizing that I had been under her leash this entire time, I told her I was done, and I just left. Currently, almost everything she posts online is either long paragraphs about our personal, less public information about our relationship, or something related to how disgusting of a person I am because I left her during her times of “need”, and how selfish I am for not wanting to date her… her and her friends post things that are not subtle at all. Example: they posted a picture to Instagram with the caption “looking right since he left”. I get laughed at and ridiculed by her and her friends, they post videos about them talking shit about their exes with names and specific negative qualities. Extremely traumatized doesn’t even begin to describe my current state…. to have someone actually attempt to take their own life all because you wouldn’t date them is beyond my fathomable understanding of reality. I just need another person to talk to. I’ve talked to practically no one else for 2 years and I think I’ve gone through enough psychological and emotional trauma to have earned my right to ask for help. If you’ve read all the way down here, thank you. I appreciate all of you.
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