My First Love is back

So here’s my story, I had my first love when I was 18, I was in the Army and stationed overseas. He was a host nation soldier and we lived in the same building. We met a bit awkwardly, he was in a meeting with the rest of his soldiers and I was so nervous I instantly turned around when I got of so they couldn’t see me, he thought it was funny so he laughed and asked if I needed help.

I don’t really know how it progressed from there. It turns out we worked in the same building (him upstairs, me downstairs). Every evening when they had their meeting, I would just so “happen” to be doing my laundry, washing out a large pot, or walking in from somewhere. My roommate was also loud so I would sit out in the hallway. We would always see each other and I would cook and offer him food, he loved my cooking! When I would dress up he would call me beautiful, or compliment my natural hair.

On Fridays they are allowed to go home. One day in the winter, I was at at restaurant right outside of the gate. He saw me in the window and came in, he sat with me and we played with each other’s hands and tried on each other’s glasses until he had to catch his train. It was so sweet and I think that was when I was really starting to fall for him.

For Christmas I knitted him a scarf because it was cold and I didn’t see him wearing one. This is about where things start to go wrong. My birthday was shortly after and my friends thought it would be good for me to start dating. I was pretty sheltered growing up and didn’t date in high school. I agreed and that day, exactly one week after my 19th birthday I was sexually assaulted. I felt so ashamed and guilty (I’m still going to therapy to challenge those thoughts). I didn’t want to talk to him, he would see my roommate in the hallway and ask what was wrong with me. When he would see me he would give me a hug, but not pressure me to talk about what was upsetting me. After a lot of things going wrong, I decided to leave and go back to the states. He knew it was too early for me to leave and that I had put in an extension for another year already. I gave him a hug when I left but never got his contact info.

Flash forward, a bit over a year later. I found him on Facebook and then Instagram. I messaged him, asking if he remembered me, and he said of course! I am so nervous to talk to him and really not sure how to progress. I wasn’t even sure if he felt the same way about me. He would always call himself old, we have a 5 year age gap, so I don’t know if he was apprehensive about that. I want to tell him what happened but I’m not scared. I also applied to universities in that country (I had been studying the language since I was 13, hence why I wanted to extend). I don’t know what I am doing as 1) I’ve never really dated, and 2) I don’t know if he is even interested.

I really hope he doesn’t have reddit!!!!!! Sorry for the long story!!!!