I (F29) and my husband/common law(40M) have been together for nearly 10 years, minus a breakup that lasted just over a year (but this was more than 5 years back)
I have always had mental health issues, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder at 13 when I put in the hospital after a suicide attempt, and it got better after that, mostly due to me self medicating with anything I could get my hands on to just feel happy, have fun, feel normal.. it was just the norm for me for a very long time and at times to this present day.
Im also ADHD and have a hard time focusing on certain things and remembering things and I can be impulsive and difficult in that way at times.
So, alcohol, pot, coke, mdma, and eventually meth became my drug of choice. And that did alot of damage upstairs when it comes to the permanant state of semi-psychosis I am constantly in. (I'm schizophrenic or have schizoaffective disorder, my doctor dosnt have a diagnosis at this point but I'm on medication for it as well as for depression and anxiety)
If I dont take my meds or dont take them on time, I hear things. CRAZY THINGS… Like people talking in another room to my boyfriend about me. But no one is there… this isnt really happening… WE LIVE ALONE (and no one is over at the time), or I'll swear I hear him mumble things like "I fucking hate this bitch." and I'll talk myself down until I tell him what I think he said and he will get so sad that I could even think that he'd say something like that.. BUT I DID HEAR IT… makes me question my own sanity in a major major way on a daily basis..
I tell him these things every so often, definatly not every time it happens tho because it would drive him crazy with worry about me if I told him every single time. Plus it makes me feel like I'm a burden or just a nut job and like I'm wasting his time telling him these things that dont really exist or must not be real…
He's dealing with alot of stress right now on his own because hes been waiting almost 18 months for a surgury on his knee.. it caused him to have to go on disability, he has mobility issues and dosnt get to get out very much and all of thats contributing alot to him being pretty fucking bummed out alot as it is.. I dont want to make things worse than they are or cause more stress and issues for both of us..
So alot of the time I keep this stuff to myself and the symptoms combined with my depression and anxiety and the meds I take cause me to sleep alot. He sometimes gets it in his head that because he cant do all the things he used to do, and get out and do things with me, that I'm falling out of love with him or that I dont want him anymore, when all it really is, is that I'm struggling bad with the demons I have to face all the time and I dont want to make things worse by contining to bring it up when I mostly know it isnt real and thats theres just something wrong with me.
The whole quarrentine lockdown has made things way worse for me too.. I had a set schedule for work and without any routine in my life its causing me to slip further into my poor mental state and causing me more anxiety when I do have to do things that involve me going out in public.. its always a struggle because in crowds or for example, on a bus where you hear multiple conversations around you, its easy to hear the wrong thing (or to think that you did or that someone is talking about you)
Normally he would be with me to tell me that I'm just hearing things if I was to point it out, or just to keep me focused in other ways because we be busy talking I wouldnt be focusing on all these other little things that are insignificant…
The more I try push this from my mind tho the harder and worse it seems to become to ignore the voices I hear so often and I think its not fair to my husband because I get so quiet and distant and I dont know what to do to make things better in the sense of myself having peace of mind that the things I hear arn't real and the things I see are actually a figment of my imagination and part of my disease and I won't ever be able to change it or make it get much better. That this is something that is going to happen to me for the rest of my life..
Its really scary and I dont want to feel like I'm holding him back because of my stupid, most likely self inflicted problems.. I dont want to feel like a burden ever but I'm scared as hell about some of these things that are happening to me.
If you read this all.. thank you for reading I just needed to get that out and hopefully some of you might have some good input into what I should do to try make myself feel better and to improve things with our communication and just improve our relationship in general regarless of the problems we both love each other very much. ♡
submitted by /u/kjp91
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