Long post coming
I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression fairly early in life. I’ve fought depression since I was honestly roughly ten years old. Many things have contributed to the cause and continuation of my depression. Including bullying from my weight, being overweight my entire life in general, slightly abusive or rather weirdly unstable home life growing up, etc. during my senior year I attempted suicide due to many of my friends betraying me and one of which even telling me “I’m a sad pity party who needs to get a grip because no one gives a shit” Anyway, I’ve always struggled with being accepted, or at least believing that I was. That betrayal and the entire attempt situation really did a number on me, one in which I didn’t quite fully grasp just how much until I started my relationship.
After my suicide attempt I graduated and moved away. I had spent four days in a psych ward, and once I left it was sort of brushed under the rug. I didn’t get help for my mental health afterward, just left the town and “started over.” Again, several betrayals occurred over the following years and my distrust for everyone in my life deepened. I closed myself off from most people, anyone trying to get in would have to go through months if not years of “initiation.” This, now includes my current boyfriend.
To some extent he’s trying to understand it and push me to heal and to be better for myself, because it is directly affecting my present life though the suicide attempt itself happened nearly four years ago. I can’t bring myself to let myself be entirely vulnerable to him because of it. I’m constantly thinking the worst of a situation, and then immediately feeling shame for it. I stuffed all of that trauma away for the sake of not feeling anymore, and once those doors were opened by new love, I just feel so overwhelmed. I feel misunderstood, in that he believes I can just pick myself up and do better for myself, and to a degree that’s true. What I do with my life is entirely up to me.. but fuck me, that’s way easier said than done.
I also had a weight loss surgery a year ago. It saved my life and has been an overall blessing in my life. I’d never go back and change my decision and I’m at a healthy weight for the first time, ever.. but nobody told me that the mental challenges that come along with weight loss would be so daunting. When people lose weight, you think “wow they must be so happy, feel so much better, so confident” etc.. and yes, that may be true sometimes, but not all of the time. The mental hurdles have been far more difficult to overcome than the physical ones. During my journey I realized I had an addiction to food, still have. Though I’ve mostly maintained a healthy diet, I’ve fallen off the wagon in recent months. And boy, have I been terrible to myself about it. I don’t have many people I can talk to about this because most of my friends have never been overweight. They don’t get it.
Anyway, I have a lot of trauma and self reflection that needs to be done.. and I’m feeling especially overwhelmed, as my boyfriend means well, but has that “tough love, get over it” mentality. I know I can’t continue to wallow in my sorrows, but I also can’t heal in a day. I feel so much shame for how I feel some days. My anxiety has caused me to become extremely selfish, even manifesting in odd behaviors, such as becoming possessive about food, bud, material belongings, etc. this selfish behavior also continues through my actions sometimes. I’ve become so reliant on myself and distrusting Of others that I’ve failed to think how my actions might make someone else feel.
I know I have my faults, I know I need help.. but sometimes I don’t know that I should feel wrong for being so deeply introspective about my mental health and fully understanding my emotions.
I’m overwhelmed because I want my boyfriend to be my helping hand in this healing process, but his strategy to go about that seems totally wrong. It almost makes it worse.
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