Nobody has ever loved/cared about me (21m) and I’m not sure anyone ever will.

Pretty much title, I’m pretty much entirely worthless. I posted here yesterday as well so I apologize for the Spam I suppose but I feel like I just need to get this out. My mom does not love me, you know how the stereotype is that everyone’s mom loves them and tells them they’re attractive even if they aren’t? My mom is not the case in this situation. I’m so fucking abhorrent to look at that even my own mother and sister have both told me that I’m a 2/10 to look at. I have never in my life felt like I’ve been loved anywhere I’ve been and instead it feels like I’m always just tolerated. I am a burden on my family and anyone that I interact with and I’m just over it at this point.

I feel like I’ve said this in all my posts but I have tried everything I can think of, I’ve lost a little over 80 pounds, I’ve bought a car, I go to college, I have maintained at a minimum one job and at the moment two, I bought a whole new wardrobe, yet I am never going to be good enough. It is hard to think of what I wouldn’t do if I thought it would make a girl want me/ be happy. I would easily sell all of my things, I would rip out of college, Id give up any hobbies they felt were not attractive. All I want is for someone to believe that I am worth the commitment and emotional investment, but so far I am still not worthy.

I don’t care about living anymore. Even before I posted this I was drinking and thinking about dying tonight. I think about it every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to sleep. Nobody values me and nobody on this planet would miss me. The only thing I worry about besides the basic human fear of not knowing what is on the other side, I just don’t want someone to clean up a mess I made doing so. I don’t care about finishing my degree, I don’t care about my job, I don’t care about losing any more weight, I don’t care about any sort of improvement when I know that whatever I do or accomplish nobody on this planet will ever give a single fuck. I will never have anyone to share my achievements with, any holidays with, I’ll never have anyone to come home to, I’ll never have anyone to take out and try my best to make happy, I have nothing to live or look forward to.

I don’t plan for the future anymore, Ive always tried to be as self aware as I can and to pretend that I’m not going to die in the next couple of years feels like I’m being disingenuous or playing pretend. I’m not capable of dealing with this kind of pain for the rest of my life, I’ve talked to my therapist about it but at this point I don’t believe it’s fixable. A therapist isn’t going to be able to wave a wand and make me somebody who isn’t fucking worthless, they can’t make me so that I’m not so fucking abhorrent to look at that I can’t even see myself in the mirror without ruining my entire day, they can’t make it so that women feel attractive to me. I’m just tired of being a burden and I find some solace in the idea that one day my final kind deed to the world will be that I ensure that nobody will ever have to see me again.