TL;DR below
The guy [29m] I've [28f] been seeing for slightly less than a year just ended it with me because he says he doesn't think he can see a future. We have had an amazing year dating and I was really starting to picture myself long-term with him based on our characters and how well we interact and match personalities-wise. I also know he has been very happy with me.
When I pressed him what he meant, he said I had a lot of independent dreams that he wasn't sure he wanted to be a part of. To give some context, I am currently in grad school and have my dream job lined up for me here, we are from the same state but I have been always dreaming of moving to Australia and I have an opportunity to do so in 2 or 4 years (both equally likely). The opportunity would require a lot of hard work and truthfully, lots of dumb luck as well, due to the nature of my job, so no guarantees it could ever happen. I could also have my dream job here, but the ultimate jackpot would be to do it there. I could of course just move there without the job I want but I'd rather have the job here than move there without it. So all in all, it would be a huge push, but I do often like to talk to him and daydream about it. I have never really asked him what he thought about this because I feel we are still such a new thing – we don't live together, we haven't even been on a trip together (we wanted to but covid and other life matters obviously got in the way). It's hardly a conversation I feel we should be having.
I tried to explain that while that would be the ultimate dream to me it's very early for this to be a dealbreaker. Also, it's not like I can't have my dream job back home, and maybe I could still be very happy here. If I ultimately do end up dating someone, in this case him, for 3+ years, I'd obviously take their feelings into consideration. I wouldn't just give up on my dreams for a man, but if it is The man of my life, I could certainly be open to compromise.
To clear a few things up – I know for a fact this is not him pawning me off or trying to let me down lightly. We have been very happy together but he is a worrier. So am I and a huge one at that, but even I hadn't yet begun to think about this at all. He confessed it's been bugging him for months and isn't sure if that's also the life for him. His job is such that moving and getting it elsewhere would be incredibly easy for him, and he isn't even attached to it. So it doesn't feel like it's a pragmatic issue either. All these months he hasn't struck me once as a guy afraid of commitment either. If anything, he had to chase me at the start. So that's a dead end as a possible explanation too.
I'm honestly dumbfounded. I really thought we were so good together and were getting along absolutely fine. This is the second guy that plays the "your dreams are just too big for me" card, granted the first one turned out to be a manipulative narcissist and this was barely the real reason behind it. Also I know my current (well, ex now) partner isn't actually "playing any card", so I shouldn't be putting him in the same category at all, but it does things to you, continuously being told that your ambitions and dreams are a source of conflict in your relationships. Is this really an issue? Does this make me undateable?
I'd like to think that if I loved someone and they were the one, I'd gladly devote a chunk of my life to their dream and be proud of them accomplishing it and going for it. If it isn't my dream, I'd probably ask to see if there could be compromise and we can perhaps find a solution where we only go for X number of years and then we do something I like? Or if it's possible for them to go without me if I so hate the idea and if they'd ever consider back? I don't know, there's options galore, but I feel like I'd at least explore the topic first. And we're talking if I were with them long enough and knew they were the one. If I'd been with them for not even a year, my mind probably wouldn't even go there. My last relationship left me in pieces and I was so reluctant to start this one that when I finally fell for the guy and decided to go all in, this happened and has really brought me down. If this is truly the case I don't think I can/want to even ever start anything again. I won't give up on my dreams but this does makes me sad and by association less motivated to tick things off my list that slow but steady could get me there.
TL;DR Guy I've been seeing for a year says me potentially leaving away for a dream job 3-4 years from now is the reason why we should call it quits now. He isn't sure that's what he wants and I'm not sure if a premature breakup is fair.
submitted by /u/ThrowRA9824
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